Love = Family

There are few things that leave me speechless.  I usually have words for any occasion, but the love between Brynna and her cousins has left me with nothing more than a happy heart and a big smile.

Kaulah Tuhan ku

Sometimes we all have those moments – those times when we lose focus, get distracted and end up a bit off-track.  Lately, I’ve been so preoccupied with meaningless things, I found myself in one of those states.  Do you know the feeling?  You aren’t doing anything blatantly wrong but you feel like something isn’t right.  You lose patience with the little stuff of life to the point that you’re just too tired to think about the important things. You find yourself lacking joy for no reason other than you let the anxiety and stress overtake it.

I woke up the other morning craving music.  I realized that in my attempt to lessen some of the craziness that surrounds me (aka: 3 small, loud, blonde people), I have removed any noise I can control.  I haven’t played music as I often do because having it on would just be one more sound in my over-stimulated ears.  Today it’s as if God woke me up, gave me a song and lifted the fog.  He cleared the air so I can focus.  He removed the distractions long enough for me to see.

While attending a Christian service this morning in Kuala Lumpur, God gave me a glimpse of Heaven.  I stood holding my niece between my dad and sister, singing with people from all over the world.  Surrounded by voices from Malaysia, Finland, UK, Australia, China, the Philippines, America and beyond, we sang to One God.  We sang Kaulah Tuhan ku – You’re my God.

Ku sembah Kau Tuhan

Ku sembah Kau Tuhan

Ku puji, ku muilakan

Nama Mu

I worship You, O God

I worship You, O God

I praise, I exalt

Your Name

No matter what I see, Ku puji, ku muilakan Nama Mu.  No matter how loud it is around me, Ku puji, ku muilakan Nama Mu.  Even when it’s hard, when it’s not easy and I have to try harder than I thought possible… Ku puji, ku muilakan Nama Mu.  I praise, I exalt Your Name.

I'm going to miss this...

Keeping up with Brynna is a full-time job. When she's with her cousins, it can be downright exhausting! We are visiting my sister in Malaysia, and my dad has reminded us that while it might be hard, these years with our kids when they are little are not forever. One day (sooner than we'd like), we will look back and wish again for the days of silly faces and giggles. And living on separate sides of the world means cherishing the times we have together when we have them.

Each time Vikki or I sigh (or huff and puff) from chasing our tiny tornadoes, my dad smiles like only a grandpa can in the midst of chaos and starts singing the chorus of a popular country song:

You’re gonna miss this

You’re gonna want this back

You’re gonna wish these days

Hadn’t gone by so fast

These are some good times.

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you’re gonna miss this

And he's right. 

Each time Brynna hears Vikki or I say "Daddy" she looks around and starts searching for her own daddy.  (They are all still very confused by the fact that Papa is also a daddy.)  Yesterday in the car she spent about 10 minutes waving and cheering, "Hi Daddy!  Daddy, hi!"  And just when I was about to say how I wished she would be a little quieter, I thought...I'm going to miss this.

The "Not So Twins," as we call BG and AJ, couldn't be more different.  At the science museum, they found these ramps.  They are set up to race and that's exactly what Brynna wanted to do.  But AJ was just as content to chase the golf balls and bring them back to BG.  They did this so long we finally let them race one last time and had to move on.  I was so sick of standing in that one spot watching those same golf balls but then I realized how much fun they were having doing something so simple.  And I thought...I'm going to miss this.  

(Yaya and Papa did not share my impatience.  They would have stood there for hours holding those two if that's what they wanted.)  :) 

If you have one, you better have three.  Three books, three toys, three race cars.  Zoe hadn't gotten to her car in this picture, but believe me it's an all-out fight if we unfortunately end up in a situation where someone has to wait (or Heaven-forbid) have something different than the others.  The constant love-hate battles can wear a person down.  But just when the bickering reaches new decibels, one of them starts giggling and the others follow suit.  And you can't help but think...I'm going to miss this.

Hugs can be deadly and holding hands sometimes ends in a skinned knee or two.  But these three love each other with all their little selves.  And even when they are falling all over each other, even I can admit...I'm going to mis this.

Monkey-see, monkey-do.  What one does, they all must do.  And when we have to go home and won't get to see each other for several more months, I know without question...I'm going to miss this.

They refused to look at the camera.  All of them.  When they want to, they band together in their own little militia.  I honestly think they could rule the world with the bat of an eyelash, the flip of a pigtail and a grin that melts even the toughest cynic.  

Even when they drive me nuts, I know...these are some good times.  I'm going to miss this.

4 Things I Learned in Malaysia

While my sister was living in Malaysia, Brynna and I visited along with my parents. I learned a few things I didn't know before...

1. Traffic laws, lanes and limits are mere suggestions.  I was under the impression that if there are 3 lanes painted on a road, that means you can have 3 lanes of traffic.  That is an incorrect assumption.  You can, in fact, have as many lanes as cars will fit.  And those cars can go any speed they desire, changing “lanes” as often and arbitrarily as they desire.

2. If you drive a motorcycle (or scooter, as would be a better description), you have the right of way.  Period.  You do what you want; you drive where you want.   And you do it with as many people as you can squeeze on your tiny motorized device – 3 grown men, a family of 4.  Whatever.

3. "Tropical climate” in english is translated: wet.

4. You don’t have to famous to be a celebrity.  You just need blonde hair.  My child has been touched more in the past 3 days than her whole life combined.  Her cousins are blonde and are often photographed when walking through the mall.  Adding Brynna to the mix has taken things to a new level.  Not only are there now 3 cute, blonde kids, but they go everywhere holding hands and one of them is super blonde.  Lunch today involved pictures being taken with the kids, questions and of course lots and lots of touching.  As they walk by, hands come at them from every direction.  (Thankfully, I have only been stared at thus far.  And for everyone’s safety, that’s probably best.) 

Credit Where Credit is Due!

I am quick to point out when my little bundle of too-much-energy gives me a run for my money.  I share all kinds of stories of her tantrums and outbursts.  But I can also give credit where it’s due, and Brynna Grace deserves some.  My child – my child who isn’t even 2 years old – did AMAZING on the way to Kuala Lumpur!

Friday night around 7:30pm, Yaya, Papa, David, Brynna and I loaded into the car and headed to the airport.  Brynna smiled, waved and blew kisses to the Qatar Airways employees while I got the 4 of us ticketed and all of our bags checked.  We then said goodbye to Daddy and went toward security.  We were most certainly “those people” – the ones you see in front of you in line and make a mental note to avoid at any cost when it comes time to put your belongings through the scanner.  People were flocking away from us like we had the plague.  And I don’t blame them one bit.  Between us, we had 4 carry-on bags, inside of which I had to pack enough food, activities, milk, juice and blankets to entertain and care for a child for 24 hours.  Think of all the things a kid uses in a 24 time frame and then try packing that in a bag that can only weight 15 pounds!  I’m pretty sure I went over that weight limit on every bag and I’m not afraid to admit I broke that rule.  I also broke another rule unintentionally. FYI…Play Doh is not allowed on airplanes.  Oops.

As other travelers went as quickly as possible in every direction but ours, we started unloading sippy cups, juice bottles and a 34 oz container of Lactaid into plastic bins and onto the conveyer belt.  While I tried to remember where I had stowed all the liquids, I turned to BG and said, “Take off your shoes, please, so we can go through the scanner.”  And what did she do?  She sat her little bottom right down, took off her shoes, placed them in the bin next to mine and walked her big girl self right through security!  On the other side, while I helped the nice TSA man check all the sippy cups for…you know…I’m not even really sure what they are checking for.  You have to open each one and they wave a piece of paper over the top of the cup.  Not sure what that’s telling them other than my kid drinks a lot.  Either way, while Yaya and I did that, Brynna quietly grabbed her shoes and walked over to the chair where you wait if you need to be wanded.  She climbed up, sat down, put her shoes back on and then waved to other people as they came through the security line.  TSA workers were coming from everywhere to see the cute little girl in pigtails and to tell me she’s the best behaved kid they’ve ever seen.  That is not a compliment we get often and if I’d had more time, I may have asked them to write something down so we could hang it on the fridge.  My little big girl was a champ!  Not once did she fuss or squabble.  Not once did I have to repeat an instruction.

After security, we got to do what Brynna came to do.  No, not board a plane.  Ride the escalators!  She had the greatest time and the icing on the cake…?  The escalators took us to a train!  Talk about overjoyed!  Two great things in one day!?  Forget that we are about to board a plane for 12 hours…what’s important is that the train says Choo Choo!!!

We boarded our first flight without hassle, found our bulkhead seats (yay for leg room!) and started unloading.  I had a system and I worked it!  I was pulling out blankets, books and pajamas…I even had a sound machine.  I did my best to recreate our nightly routine to help Brynna sleep well.  Given a few more minutes, I may have painted our seats green like the walls of her bedroom and hung a pink curtain or two.  Just after take-off, her eyes were getting heavy and I thought we were home free.  But then…they turned on all the cabin lights and served dinner.  Who eats dinner at 11pm?!  Needless to say, that was a distraction so BG didn’t go to sleep.  But she read books and played quietly for an hour until they finally turned the lights out and then layed on Yaya’s lap until she fell asleep somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean.  She was woken up by turbulence, flight attendants and bright lights but not once did she cry loudly.  And by the time we landed in Doha, Qatar, she had rested enough to change out of her pj’s and run around during our 3 hour layover. 

Flight Two was a bit more tricky because for our internal clocks, it was daytime.  But Brynna did great.  She played games, worked puzzles, read books and watched the Backyardigans for 4 hours.  She then snuggled once more on Yaya’s lap and went to sleep for the last leg of that flight.  Just in time for landing, she woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  And dry!  Brynna Grace Johnston, age 23 months, had not one accident during 24 hours of plane flights!  She went potty on the plane and in the airports, but not once in her panties.

The only minor meltdown occurred while going through Immigration.  But honestly, who hasn’t wanted to throw themselves on the ground, kicking and screaming while standing in line at Immigration?  I can’t completely blame her.  She was only expressing what I felt but couldn’t say – “I’m tired, I’ve waited long enough, now let me get to Zoe, AJ and Aunt Vikki!!”  And that’s what we did!

As we rounded the corner after Customs, Zoe and AJ broke through the rope you aren’t supposed to cross, and like a scene from a movie, the three of them ran to each other squealing with delight.  It was the best thing in the world to see.  From that moment on, Brynna and her cousins have been inseparable.  I have never heard this child giggle so much in my life.  She doesn’t care what sights we see or what we do as long as she’s got Zoe’s hand on one side and AJ’s on the other.  And again…I can’t blame her.  She’s only expressing what I feel inside, too!

Cheese!  Just hangin' in the airplane basinette!

BG giggled the whole 45 min drive from the airport to Aunt Vikki's

This is how we walk everywhere...hand in hand

Couldn't be happier...just being together

Photos Worth A Thousand Words

Hope has been my BF4ever since the 7th grade. She recently began developing her interest in photography into some of the most brilliant images I've ever seen. She has a way of capturing life that few can rival. I can tell a story with words, but Hope needs only a camera lens. Like so many photographers, she has a gift that leaves me speechless. (And that's saying something.)

While I can't take them, I can appreciate the pictures that help us love and laugh and remember. 

she's going to kill me, but i LOVE Hope's self portrait

A Park, Lots of Clothes and A Fall

Sunday morning as we arrived back from an unfruitful and therefore very disappointing donut run, we ran into our new neighbors.  Our friends across the street were taking their boys to play and invited us to join them.  Anece gave us street directions and then said, “It’s a great little park.  Some people in the neighborhood donated the land and toys.  The kids love it and this is a perfect day to go.” I should have had red flags right then.  I should have gone with my instinct, run inside and not come out.  Although sunny and clear, it was 41 degrees with a windchill of 36.  How does that in any way qualify as a perfect day to be outside?  As he’s speaking, I’m watching his wife climb in the car with her North Face gear and hat with ear covers!  But as usual, I was outnumbered. Brynna and David were about to jump out of their skin with excitement, so the bundling began.  We bundled Brynna and David put on his coat.  (That’s all he needs.  He’s a man.)  Meanwhile, I bundled me in leggings, jeans, thick socks, tall fur-lined boots, a shirt tucked in, a fur-lined jacket with a hood and a coat.  (My version of cold-weather clothing is just more clothing.)  We squeezed ourselves into the car and headed for Clemyjontri park.  After Anece’s explanation that it had been donated, I had visions of a cute little park with some swings, maybe a slide and that thing that you sit on and someone spins you until you feel sick or fall off.  You know the one.  What we arrived at was not “cute.”  Really, to use the word “park” for this place is a bit insulting.  It’s like calling Disney World a “play area.”  Clemyjontri is on 2 acres, has 4 sectioned “rooms” with more playground equipment than I’ve ever seen in my life, a maze big enough for adults to walk through, 2 covered picnic areas and full restroom facilities.  And, oh yeah, a carousel.  Who has a carousel in the middle of a park?!  Even Brynna, who’s always up for playing outside and doesn’t usually care where, was a bit overwhelmed by it all.

We started with the swings – because that’s what Brynna does – and worked our way around.  After about 45 minutes, we came to one big piece of equipment and BG informed us (as is her new custom), “I’ll do it.” She trotted off while David chatted with Anece about how there was still so much snow left on the playground.  (Maybe another indicator it wasn’t a perfect day for the park?!?)  I kept an eye on BG from the ground but after a few moments heard the familiar “Mommy!” and went to rescue her from what appeared to be a traffic jam.  Brynna had committed a playground foul, stopped at the top of the swinging bridge and blocked the flow of kids trying to get up and down the steps.  Two four-year old boys were in process of mowing her down, so I grabbed her up and headed in the only direction possible at that point – across the bridge.  You could say we didn’t make it across.  You could say Brynna’s fears of the swinging bridge were confirmed.  Or, you could just say Regina ate it in front of dozens of kids and parents.  That’s right, sports fans.  I put one wet boot on the wet rubber bridge and that was the end of that.  I was holding Brynna with both hands to protect her from hitting anything, so I never had a chance to try and save my own body (or dignity).  I landed hard on my left elbow that now sports a lovely bruise bigger than any I’ve ever had.  (And I’ve had a few bruises.  This is not my first public fall.)  Although I literally sacrificed my body to protect hers, apparently the fall was terrifying for Brynna and reason to cry as though she were the one wondering if a piece of bone had broken free in her arm.  I took the opportunity to console her while still sprawled in the middle of the swinging bridge in hopes that passers-by might think my child fell and I was merely rendering aid.  When I regained a bit of feeling in my left arm and Brynna calmed the siren drawing even more attention, I gathered us up and attempted to quickly exit the jungle gym.  Just my luck, I was on the one piece of equipment that had no end so I had to wind my way round and round through the audience members of my little show.

I knew I should have stayed inside where it was warm.

Why I Had a Standoff with a 2-year old (and why it matters)

I have said it before and I’ll say it again: those with compliant children can’t quite understand those with strong-willed children.  That’s not to say anyone’s job as a parent is easy.  Absolutely not.  It is to say, however, that there are some things that a strong-willed parent must do that the parent of a more compliant child doesn’t understand and may view as downright harsh.  If you have a strong-willed kid, you know what I mean.  If you haven’t heard these terms before because you’ve never read the book “The Strong-Willed Child” in an effort to convince yourself you aren’t crazy, you are going to find this harsh.  Consider yourself warned.

I tweeted it and mentioned it in passing.  Here’s what actually happened…

We were having a fun family evening.  Just before dinner, we were playing in the den when something (I can’t remember now what) didn’t suit Brynna’s fancy.  As is sometimes her response, she got angry and threw some toys from her kitchen where she’d been playing.  She knew before I said it that she’d have to go to timeout, so she wasn’t shocked when I instructed her to go.  She did decide, however, that this was one of those days.  This was a moment she would assess if Mom and Dad are to be trusted; if they are as strong as they claim to be.  So what did my pint-sized wonder do?  She turned and gave me that Look – the one where I know she’s about to openly defy me – and said, “no.”  The Look is not a sneer or one of manipulation but simply a full-faced, straight-in-the-eye stare that says, “I’m willing to push as hard as I can to see if your boundary is tough enough to hold me.”  David immediately instructed BG to apologize.  She turned, gave him the same look, and said, “no.”  David took her to timeout, explained that we don’t throw and we don’t tell Mommy and Daddy no and walked away.

After the allotted time on the step, David went to release Brynna.  He bent down, and asked if we should throw.  She sniffed back the tears and said, “no no.”  He then said, “We don’t tell Mommy no.  You need to say you’re sorry.”  She looked him straight in the eye and said, “no.”  So back on the step she went.  Two minutes later, I went to free the captive but the scene repeated.  She fully acknowledged her understanding of the situation and at the same time made fully clear her intent NOT to apologize.  Round 3 carried with it the added penalty of a spanking.  Round 4 went similarly to Round 2.  By Round 5, Daddy headed upstairs to make dinner.  Round 6 also included a spanking; Rounds 7, 8 and 9 carried added measures of tears and wailing but still no apology.  By Round 10, dinner was ready and I headed upstairs to eat – a bag of microwave popcorn because after 10 rounds that’s all you have the patience to make. Before going up the stairs, I sat on the step and looked at my red-faced little girl.  Our conversation went something like this…

Me: Brynna, do we throw?

BG: no, no

Me: Do we tell Mommy no?

BG: no, no

Me: When we act bad and are disrespectful, do we have to say ‘I’m sorry?’

BG: yes

Me: Do you want to come upstairs and eat with Mommy and Daddy?

BG: yes

Me: Can you say Sorry?

BG: no

Me: If you can’t say I’m Sorry, you have to stay in time out.  Do you want to get off the step?

BG: yes

Me: Can you say Sorry?

BG: no

As I stepped over her and headed upstairs, I said, “I love you, Brynna Bear.  I love you so much that I’ll do this all night if that’s what you choose.”  I will never be able to prove it and she’d never admit it, but I promise I saw a little twinkle in her eye.  There was a little recognition in her tiny spirit that said, “I need to know that.”

So for the next hour, I proved it.  In total, we spent over an hour and a half in our standoff on the step.  After 3 trips to the potty – 2 of which were an adorable attempt to sneak out of punishment – we spent Round 27 (or thereabouts…who knows; I lost count!) naked because she refused to put clothes back on.  After that, we changed into pajamas, marched upstairs and went to bed without reading books and without Minnie Mouse, Baby or the 13 other stuffed friends usually in her bed.  As I closed the door to her room, I told her the same thing I had all night and do all day – “I love you.” 

The last 5 minutes of the standoff happened in her room.  I finally took her out of bed, sat on the floor holding her and we talked it all out from the beginning.  I know you’re thinking that by this point she’s not even two years old and had no idea what was going on.  That’s the parent in you who doesn’t have a strong-willed child.  She finished every sentence I began.  No, we don’t throw.  No, we don’t say ‘no’ to adults.  Yes, we always say we’re sorry.  If Daddy hurts feelings, what does he need to say?  I’m sorry.  If Minnie Mouse acts badly, what does she need say?  I’m sorry. (That line got repeated more than the others.  We had to ensure that the rule applied for everyone – Aubie, Other Minnie Mouse, Baby, Frog and Wombat) Did Brynna act badly when she told Mommy no?  Yes.  Should you say sorry?  Yes.  Can you tell Mommy sorry?  No.

Finally, after almost two hours and a repeat of the above conversation three more times, she buried her face in my chest and said, “Mommy, sorry.”  We then went downstairs for some food and a cup of milk and it took another 5 minutes to tell Daddy sorry.  But she did it. 

It was never about the words “I’m sorry.”  A dozen times a day she does what she shouldn’t or forgets to apologize.  It wasn’t about breaking her spirit.  I never, ever want to do that.  It wasn’t even about asserting authority.  She knows who’s in charge.  It was about assuring Brynna that no matter how hard she pushes, the nets are sturdy, the fences are secure, the people in charge are strong enough to trust.

Harsh, crazy or exhausting as it may be, she knows that.  And harsh, crazy or exhausting as it may be, that’s my job.  To make sure that my very strong little girl becomes a a very strong woman.