Runnin' and Gunnin'

Ok, sports fans.  No more tears.  Buckle your seatbelts and get ready to laugh.  Do I have a story for you…

It all started at 3:00 am.  Alarms buzzed and bags started flying into the back of my dad’s truck.  We were able to condense the clothes, shoes, toys, Christmas presents, sippy cups, and other STUFF into 6 checked and 6 carry-on bags.  (In addition to the Fed-Ex freight shipment that will arrive at our new home tomorrow.)  We woke Brynna at the last minute and pulled away from the house at 4:15am.  At 4:30, I realized we forgot the stroller, so we made an illegal U-Turn on the turnpike.  By the time we got the stroller and to the airport, it was 5:00 am – exactly one hour before our flight.  We got through checking the baggage and car seat with only minor injuries and then…we got to Security.  Apparently half of Oklahoma and a quarter of Kansas was headed to football bowl games, so we joined a line of approximately 7,000 people.  I would be happy to give my critiques to the TSA employees at Tulsa International Airport about how to better expedite customers flying with children – namely, don’t use that line for airport employees – but I’ll draft those thoughts in a separate memo.  After 45 minutes in the security line, we heard them give the final boarding call for our flight.  Our sense of urgency did not make the precious TSA folks move any faster and when one woman got an attitude with me, I thought we might be bailing David out of jail.  David and Brynna were the first through Security so he threw her in the stroller and they took off running. BG was convinced this was all a fun ride.  As David ran down the concourse, she waved to passers-by and yelled “WHEEE!”  David rounded the corner to the gate just in time to find out that our seats had been given away.  While he had a conversation (that almost resulted in another arrest), I continued to struggle with the TSA Lovelies.  I appreciate safety and security immensely, but the thoroughness with which my friend checked out Brynna’s applesauce and pudding containers was overkill and slightly concerning.  I finally broke free and Yaya, Papa and I set off for the gate.  When David called to give us the update, we all took out running and barely made the flight as they pulled off the passengers to whom they had given our seats. 

Once aboard, the first short flight was fairly uneventful.  (As uneventful as a plane flight with a toddler can be.)  We deplaned in Dallas, grabbed some breakfast and boarded the second – and final – flight.  Brynna napped a bit and the rest of us tried not to pass out from the exhaustion of our morning.  By the last 45 minutes, I was on my last emotional string, at which point, I felt water dripping on me from the overhead air spout.  Because of all things, that’s what I needed…rain!  On a plane!  And all this before noon…

Once in DC, David went to get the rental car while Yaya, Papa, BG and I gathered the luggage.  We stepped out to meet David, expecting to see him with the SUV we rented.  Instead, we found David with a station wagon masquerading as an SUV.  For future reference: if you need space for 4 adults, 1 child in a car seat and 12 bags, the Nissan Rogue is not the best pick.  By the time we got it all to fit, my mom and I were sitting in the backseat hugging our knees while my dad pushed from the outside to get the door to close.  We figured we only had to get to the hotel and then the discomfort would be over.  We figured wrong.

We arrived at the Marriott Residence Inn around 1:00 pm (EST – it was only noon by all our clocks).  David went to check us in and was told the room wasn’t ready, as check-in wasn’t until 3:00.  We understood, asked if they could be ready by 2:30 and went off to find lunch. David and I had an appointment at our new house for the final walk-thru, so around 2:30 we went back to the hotel to drop off Yaya, Papa and BG only to learn the room still wasn’t ready.  They informed us the previous patrons had just left and the room would be cleaned and ready by 4:30pm.  In the meantime, we were given a studio room so we could attempt getting Brynna down for a nap.  The mass of luggage came out of the Rogue so we could easily get it to our room once ready, and David and Papa ran to the grocery store.  At 5:00 pm, I called, was again given the story about the previous patrons and told the room would be ready in 30 minutes.  Just after 5:30 pm, I called back.  The room still wasn’t ready!

I must pause in the story to remind you…I have a 21-month-old baby girl who, on a good day, has more energy and spunk than her little body can hold.  After 3 weeks of living out of suitcases in various hotels and a whole day of traveling, she was DONE.  To say we were having a meltdown is a huge understatement.

I called the Marriott, told them to cancel our reservation and then dialed Embassy Suites down the road.  When David and Papa returned, we loaded the Rogue once again and headed to yet another hotel.  This time, in addition to the luggage, we had 4 bags of groceries!  My dad and David both pushed to get the back hatch to close and my mom and I prayed the short trip to the new hotel that we wouldn’t spend the rest of the night cleaning our clothes off Route 7. 

We are finally settled for the night.  We have a room far nicer than we would have and BG has an actual crib instead of a poor excuse for a pack ‘n’ play.  Yaya and Papa have their own room (adjoined but with the ability to close the door), so hopefully they get a very well-deserved good night’s rest.

Tomorrow’s agenda is the house closing and Day One of unloading all our belongings.  We know we can make it through anything at this point, so we’re looking forward to an exciting day!

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: The End

#2 and #1 – My Cot Carriers and My Girls

I have struggled to write the last two of my Top Ten, so I’m just putting them together.  They bleed into each other.  They are so close to my heart it hurts less to try the denial tactic when thinking of saying goodbye.

Several years ago, I sat across the table from Cheri (whom I call my spiritual mother) and cried.  I had faced hurts before, but the road in front of me at that time was more than I could bear.  Cheri assured me that, yes, it was more than I could bear alone, but God never said I had to walk alone.  She read me the story in Mark 2 of the man who lay paralyzed on a mat.  Jesus assured the man that his own faith had healed him but when he was incapable of doing so on his own, it was his friends who carried him to Jesus.  Cheri promised to carry my cot at the times I was incapable of getting through on my own.  She kept that promise ten fold.  But one person alone can’t carry your cot, so others came alongside me and poured out their love, care, affection, kindness and grace.  God used Mike, Mikele, Deb, Dr. Jim, Janay and so many others to carry David and I as He strengthened our faith and healed us. 

Each of those people holds a piece of my heart.  They saw me at my worst and carried me anyway.  They knew the cost and still chose to love me.  That is a rare gift.  Everyone needs to know that feeling.  My feelings for the friends who carried my cot are deeper than words can express.  How do you say goodbye to the ones who carried you to Jesus?  I can’t.  All I can do is trust and know that the Jesus in me has seen the Jesus in each of you and that makes every mile between us Holy Ground.  And Holy Ground makes us family.

Sometimes your family carries your cot and sometimes carrying your cot transforms friends to family.  Hope and Brandy will always be my sister-friends.  I have the rare privilege of calling their girls my goddaughters, and I hold that responsibility with the utmost honor.  It makes me sad to think I’ll be farther away from gymnastics meets and first steps and birthdays, but I know we will remain connected as we have for almost 20 years because our hearts are linked. 

But now I have more than just two to miss.  When I moved to Dallas I thought I’d never again know the type of friendship forged over time.  I assumed that only someone who has known you since you were 12 can feel as close as family. I’m so grateful God proved me wrong.  I am sad with a hole in my heart but because there will be a void in the absence of my girls.  I will miss being there the day Kelly, Kelli and Tania bring home their first babies.  I won’t be there when Lisa finds her wings and really learns to fly.  I will miss comparing shoes with Kris and dancing with Cassandra, Brittney and Kemi.  I will miss laughing about life’s messes with Stephanie, Jami, Kim and Yanci.

And then there’s Janay.  We laugh that on the outside we couldn’t look more different but somehow people continue to mix up our names.  We just chalked it up to the fact that we’re so alike on the inside it spills out and confuses people.  When I inspect myself through a raw and honest lens, I know that my life would look completely different without my sister-friend.  God used Janay to open my ears to Him.  I couldn’t have learned many of the lessons I have in the past several years or grown and matured as I have without her friendship.  We have sharpened each other as iron but more importantly, she was the laughter I needed in the midst of hurt.  She understood my jokes and my life experiences.  When I felt alone, she was the one with whom I could be my real, authentic self.  She understood the color of my heart.  That safety and security softened me to hear God’s voice. 

I can’t begin to understand what life is going to feel like without my girls.  It doesn’t seem possible that I’ll wake up tomorrow and they won’t be down the street.  I keep hearing in my mind a poem by E. E. Cummings.  It ends with…

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 8

#3 – Northpark

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re wondering if this Top Ten was done in order of importance.  You’re hoping it wasn’t so that of all the things in my life, I didn’t put shopping in the Top 3 above some other pretty amazing things.  Well, the list isn’t completely in order of rank.  But if it were, this would still be near the top.  I love to shop, and Dallas has some of the best in the country.  I’ll miss the options, the proximity and the size.  (The adage is true: Everything really is bigger in Texas.)  But this goes beyond shopping.

When Janay and I had a day off of work, we would go to Northpark and sit for hours.  We’d get some food (Auntie Anne’s for her, Panda Express for me) and people-watch.  Sometimes we talked, we always laughed and once we even helped a group of women competing in a scavenger hunt because they realized we knew where all the shops are located without looking at a map. 

I have had some of my best mother-daughter talks with Taylor in Northpark.  We would walk the loop talking about her day, her friends, her thoughts on life.  I know her better because of those talks.  I know her likes and dislikes; I know her inside and out.

Each time my brother visited, we took a trip to Northpark.  He shops once a year so we’d stock him up on shirts, jeans, pants and shoes. We would laugh til it hurt and confuse people at each store as to how siblings could have that much fun together.

I’ve had many a lunch at the Mermaid Bar with my mother-in-law.

Mikele and I have celebrated birthdays and Christmases at the N Bistro.

The week before the crazy year of Zoe’s treatment began, Vikki and I had the best day together.  For my birthday, she gave me a day for just the two of us that wouldn’t have been the same without our Nordstrom Spa massages.

Hope, Brandy and I bought our matching outfits at Northpark.  (Yes, we’re grown.  Yes, we wore them on the same day.  No, we weren’t embarrassed.)

I went into labor at Northpark.  Since then Brynna and I have spent countless hours quacking at the ducks and marveling at the water fountain.  We’ve met friends for lunch in the food court and Daddy for dinner at Maggiano’s.

I have often joked that the mall is my happy place.  That is true, but Northpark is more than the mall.  It holds more than clothes and fabulous shoes.  Northpark holds some of my greatest memories.

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 7

#4 – pushing the odometer to its limit

When Zoe was sick I drove to Houston as often as time and David would allow.  When my father-in-law turned 60 we drove to celebrate with him.  When Hannah was born 3 months early, I dropped everything and drove 4 hours to meet her and hold Brandy’s hand.  When we bought OU season tickets a few years ago we started a Fall tradition; we meet my parents in Norman a couple times a month for football, Mom’s cooking and s’mores if David has any say.  I’ve never been afraid to put a few thousand miles on a car. 

After next Monday, I will be a plane ride away, not a 4-hour drive.  I will have to pay more than the Southwest $49 deal to get to the people I want see. When David goes on a business trip, I can’t hop in a car and go spend a week with my niece and nephew or goddaughters.  Our half of the season tickets won’t be renewed.

This is new.  It’s scary.  I’m going to have to learn new ways to function.  We all are.  But when I’m really honest, there is an unspoken fear lingering in the back of my mind.  Will we?  Will anyone really save her hard-earned money just to come see me?  How often will I actually be able to visit?  The reality hit me hard this evening.  But just as I was headed down the crazy path, God calmed my restless heart.  I sat on the sofa next to my dad and he talked about the loneliness and discomfort that may follow in the coming months.  My parents encouraged me and then said, “If you feel overwhelmed, you call us and we’ll be there.” 

I believe them.  And that helps me know that I may not add many miles on the odometer, but we’ll all have a lot more frequent flyer miles.

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 6

#5 – my House

I grew up attending a fairly small, traditional church.  While there, I learned the basics of salvation and the importance of placing Christ at the center of my life.  After David and I moved to Dallas, we searched high and low for a church that fit both our needs.  Merging my perspective with his Catholic background wasn't easy, but we were determined.  We visited many a church but each place had one nuance or another that just didn’t feel like “home,” so the search would continue.  And continue it did until David found the church where he felt we needed to be.  I, on the other hand, couldn’t have disagreed more.  There were many things I didn’t like, and I wasn’t slow (or quiet) to share my opinion.  The thing about my husband, though, is this: he is my perfect compliment because he knows that at times he has to just let me rant and bluster but when he is convicted by God, that trumps me without fail.  David knew this was where God wanted us, so he let me pout for weeks and months, but I pouted all the way to that same building.  I can remember that August day like it was yesterday.  We sat in the car about to go in for service and like most weeks, David patiently waited for me to work up the fortitude to go.  This day was different, though.  God had been working on my heart, so I turned to David and said, “I still don’t love this church.  But I know you are submitted to God, so I will submit to your decision.”  We barely exited service that day before David found someone to help us place our membership at Fellowship Church.

That decision that day changed my life.  For the first time, I walked into a church not because it made me feel good but because God said so.  For the first time, it was not about me. And for the last 8 years, that’s the lesson God has used Fellowship Church to teach me.  Church is not about the music or the message; it’s not about how hip or humble people dress.  In the words of Craig Groeschel, “The Church does not exist for us.  We are the church and we exist for The World.”

The lessons I learned in church growing up were important.  I will always be grateful for the people who led me to know Christ personally.  But I was expecting church to exist for me.  I wanted a good message, a certain kind of music and surroundings that made me comfortable.  There’s so much more than that!  There are people all around me hurting and in need.  People I know and love have a void they can’t seem to fill because they don’t know Jesus.  We exist for The World means learning to think first of THEM and second of me.

Today I sat in service at Fellowship Church for the last time, and my heart ached.  No church is perfect, and that includes FC.  But thankfully, God uses imperfect people to do amazing things.  I am not the same girl I was 8 years ago.  I will never again choose a church because it feels comfortable.  I will never allow Brynna to be a part of a House where there isn’t a singular focus to reach people far away from God.  I will never again let it be about me and not about Him. 

I have Fellowship Church to thank for that.

Merry Christmas, BG-style!

Yes, I sent an email to everyone I know with the YouTube link.  Yes, I uploaded it to my Facebook page.  Yes, even with all that, I'm still going to add it to my blog.  Why?  Because she's adorable, she's mine and I'm in love with her.

My favorite moments...
1.  When she walked on stage and stood in her exact spot.  She questions every rule and pushes every limit, but with all those eyes on her, she just looked right at her teacher and did exactly as she was told.
2.  When she clapped for herself at the end of Jingle Bells.
3.  When she began "twinkling" her fingers for Twinkle Little Star without actually putting her puppy down.
4.  When the little boy next to her just couldn't take it any longer and had to tell her to put her puppy down.
5.  When the little boy thought she didn't get it, so he started tapping the stage so she'd know where the puppy was supposed to be - down, not in her hands.
6.  When they said to come get her off stage and I got to tell her how proud of her I was!

Enjoy...I have about 17 times now!

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 5

#6 – My Dream Team

When the topic of moving comes up, there are some things you think of immediately and know you’ll miss.  Of course I’ll miss my friends.  No doubt I’ll miss my church.  Makes sense I’ll miss Mexican food.  (Ok, maybe that one is less apparent to the naked eye…)  As the time draws more near, though, there are other less obvious but still very real holes I’ll have to fill.  They are the things of life you take for granted when you have been in a location for an extended period of time.  It’s the general “knowing”.

I know you don’t drive on I-635 after 4pm or go to Central Market on a Saturday.  I know the price of gas is highest at that little station in Uptown on McKinney.  I know the best gas station tacos are at Fuel City south of downtown.  After living in a place a while, you just Know.  Moving to a new locale means relearning all of those details and idiosyncrasies.  Over the past 8 years in Dallas, I have put together what I affectionately call my Dream Team.  These people and places make my world a little brighter and my step a little lighter.  Finding replacements for them won’t be an easy task.  Virginia better step up and get ready.  I’m coming with some big expectations…

My Dream Team

Lucero.  If I could find a way to steal her away without her family knowing, I might take Lucero with me.  She has made things in my house sparkle that I didn’t know could sparkle.  She has kept me sane on those days with a sick kid and laundry piled up when you can’t quite remember your name.

The Petropolitan is the best pet grooming and daycare EVER.  They are more reasonably priced than others who don’t do as good a job, and they are just all-around fantastic.

Susanna and Ruben don’t just cut the grass.  They trim trees, plant flowers, prune brushes and have made our home inviting.  They are kind, fair and I’ll miss Susanna’s gorgeous smile as much as their landscaping genius.

Unique Tailor was voted Best in Big D for a reason.  They are fabulous and make you look fabulous. And they do it for so little that sometimes I want to give them a little extra just because.

Ivy Cleaners might be irreplaceable.  I hate to say that because I don’t yet know Virginia, but seriously.  They come to my house twice a week, pick up the dry cleaning and bring it all back.  The prices aren’t much more than the guy down the street who doesn’t know my name or to knock during the hours Brynna naps.

Elite A/C saved my sister and mother-in-law from melting on more than one occasion.  When our air-conditioning went out, the owner of the company came to the house on a weekend. 

I will miss them dearly – because they are amazing in their areas of expertise and because I know them and they know me.  I pray God grants me divine appointments as I start the search for a new dream team in a few weeks.

(PS – Yes, I’m serious.  I know you wanted to ask that about halfway through.  I really do like these people so much I just wrote a whole blog about it.  And I’m so serious, I’ll give you their contact info if you live in the Dallas area and want it.  And after you realize how amazing they are, you can call and apologize for thinking me crazy.  You’ll be serious about them, too!)

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 4

#7 - Texican Food
You read correctly.  There is a difference.  What is that difference?  Cheese!  Authentic Mexican food is fabulous.  I love it and would eat it regularly, but Texican food takes all that Mexican goodness and covers it in cheese.  And in my professional opinion, there is nothing wrong with that.

This week has been one of the best ever.  David told me my biggest responsibility this week was to spend as much time as possible with my girls doing my favorite things.  Monday started off rocky when we woke up to weather in the 30's and a car with no heater.  I spent most of the day at the auto shop but was rescued around lunchtime by Mikele.  For our last lunch date before I leave town, we decided not to break tradition.  Like most days we meet for lunch, we went to El Fenix for enchiladas.  Tuesday was my date with Kelly (and Malosi).  After a little quick shopping, we debated lunch options and found ourselves at my all-time favorite, Chuy's.  Yes, I realize this means I've eaten large amounts of processed cheese in two days.  I'm ok with that.

Today's plans were changed a bit when Brynna got up not feeling well.  We scraped the previously-made plans and Janay, Taylor, BG and I went to Waffle House for breakfast.  (Nay Nay and Tay Tay got dressed.  BG and I chose to go in our pajamas.)  I think my body is trying to hibernate.  It's like something inside of me knows I am heading to a far-away place without enchiladas and things have kicked into overdrive.  I've eaten it for two days so a lesser person might say they need a change.  Not this girl.  The day isn't over.  I'm thinking my dinner date with Tania might have to include some more Texican!

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 3

#8 – 8818 Flint Falls Dr

You have to know our history to fully understand.  David and I got married in college.  As marriage should be, after the “I Do’s” our parents kindly closed the proverbial bank accounts.  David was a full-time athlete, and I worked at a department store.  We certainly weren’t rolling in the dough; we barely had dough to eat.  After our cozy ghetto apartment in Norman, OK, we moved to a cozier locale in South Bend, IN.  When I say “cozier” I mean we lived in a dorm room while David worked on his master’s.  We went from ghetto to down-right poor.  I ate more Spaghetti O’s those few months than one should consume in a lifetime.  After Notre Dame, we moved to Dallas.  We had a one-bedroom apartment with the ultimate upgrade – crown molding – and thought we hit the jackpot! After the apartment, we did what “you’re supposed to do.”  We bought a small house that wasn’t what either of us really wanted but was within our slightly increased budget.  We no longer had the crown molding, and while we worked hard and made it our own, there was a smell in the hall bathroom that never really went away.  After a couple of years, we felt God calling us to do something a bit crazy.  We sold the house, put the furniture we’d acquired into storage and moved into 900 sq. ft. in the middle of downtown Dallas.  Our high-rise apartment wasn’t glamorous, but it was an experience we’ll never forget.  And it marked a turn in The Story of David & Regina.  It wasn’t what we were supposed to do; it was simply an act of obedience.  God asked us to be in the midst of the people He called us to reach, so we went.  After almost 2 years, we found out Brynna Bear was on the way, and thus, we needed some more space.  Buying a house this time was much different.  We had a little more knowledge and a lot more experience under our belts, so armed with our list of “wants,” we started the search.

Be it a house, spouse, job or new pair of shoes, we are all guilty of something.  You know you do it just like I do.  You have your list of “wants” – what you hope God will bless you with – and then you have in the back of your mind what you assume you’ll probably get.  Right?  Oh how wrong we are.  God doesn’t work like that.  He says very clearly, “Obey.  Do it My way and I will bless you beyond what you can imagine.”  Look it up.  It’s there over and over.  When David and I chose to obey in that small way – selling our house and moving downtown – we unleashed a blessing we didn’t fully comprehend before then.  That list of “wants” we had while driving around house-searching was what we could imagine.  God did more.

When we first saw what would become our house, I was not overly excited.  There was a huge room dividing the kitchen/dining area from the other side of the house with bedrooms.  It felt fractured.  There was an oddly shaped small den with a wet bar in the corner that didn’t seem to “go.”  The big room had wood-paneled walls and there were popcorn ceilings throughout.  It was like the 70’s had a bad day and this house was the result.  But David and I both saw potential.  We scraped the popcorn off the ceilings and painted that wood paneling.  After living there awhile, Tania (aka – Designer Extraordinaire) helped me rearrange some rooms so the odd den became a brilliant dining room.  The room that was so big we often didn’t use it, became the ultimate football-watching, domino-playing, kid-friendly place to lounge.  And did I mention the pool?  A pool was on the list of “wants.”  God’s answer above our imagination was a brand-new pool and deck with built-in shade umbrellas and a water feature.  We saved up and added outdoor furniture this past summer.  We have had pool parties, birthday pool parties and spontaneous people-just-come-over-because-there’s-a-pool parties.

We’ve lived a dozen places, but this is where we really became a family.  It’s where Brynna learned to crawl and walk.  It’s where she and her cousins swam with their floaties.  It’s where we had Real conversations with couples.  It’s where I loved on girls, and David bonded with guys.  It’s where we learned the art of hospitality – that when you are willing to give God full reign of your home, He will use it to bless you and so many others.  Yesterday as we looked at the bare rooms and the floors ready to host someone else’s furniture, I was sad.  Yes, it’s just a house.  But this house has been so much more. 

Ahh…but here’s the thing about obedience to God.  If you do it right, it’s addictive.  You learn that even in the pain or fear of doing something new, there’s peace that you are right where He wants you.  You remember that all of this is His.  You learn a new level of faith as you give up what you held dear and trust that He has something ahead that’s so much more than you can imagine.  God has once again asked us to be in the midst of a group of people to reach.  So as sad as it is for a moment, I will miss this house that was more blessing than I could have imagined because I refuse to miss a single thing God has in store for us.

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 2

#9 - Snow Days (the kind where it snows so you don't have to go to work for days)

I am working in the office while movers pack my things into boxes all around me.  With doors opening and closing, the men packing, lifting and carrying, I turned the heater off earlier.  They were hot and I figured I could bear the chill for a few hours.  So it's almost 60 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt.

Weather was one of the things we were excited about first when this move was initially proposed.  David has lived in Texas most of this life, and I grew up in tropical Tulsa, OK.  The thought of living in a place with all four seasons sounded like a great new adventure.  As reality sinks in, though, the adventure is sounding less exciting and more...well...COLD.  As I am sitting in 60-degree Dallas in my sweatshirt, it's freezing in DC.  Literally.  The windchill has been in the teens the past week.

In Texas (and Oklahoma), we are not afraid to take advantage of those snow days built into a school year.  If it's rainy on a cold day, we'll cancel the next day of school just in anticipation of ice.  If it snows on a Friday afternoon, clear your schedule.  We may cancel school for Monday.  And if school is closed, you can bet work is, too.  We don't reserve the fun for children.  Banks, churches and half of downtown will head home to hibernate.  There are some who believe this makes us whimps.  There are East Coast transplants among us who would have us believe we are lesser individuals for staying inside.  I don't see it that way at all.  I see it as the one time a year that others join me in my quest to avoid cold and wet situations at all costs.

I'm moving to a place where it gets colder and wetter than here.  I'm moving to a place where winter lasts longer than a few weeks.  I'm moving to a place where no one will join me in my quest.  While I may learn to go outside in my rain boots rather than just wearing them inside on wet days, don't expect me to do it often.  And don't expect me to like it.

Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 1

So many things will change when we move.  As the day gets closer when the moving truck arrives, the reality is hitting hard.  I'm sad and nervous and excited and terrified.  There are so many things - big and small - that will be different in our new home.  They aren't all bad, but they won't be the same.  And I would be naive to think that's not going to hurt for a little while.  As part of my "grieving process," I'm going to send a little shout out to the things I will miss.  I'm not David Letterman, I don't wear white socks with dark pants and shoes, and there is no band standing ready to burst into song when I say something funny.  (But how awesome would that be?!?!)  Either way, here we go...

The Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most

#10 - Little Acorns Child Development Center
I realized very early on that for this stay-at-home thing to work, Brynna and I were going to need some time apart.  We love each other, but we both have extremely strong personalities and often, those wills spend the day crashing into each other.  So when BG was 6 months old, I began to look at our options.  In the education vs. nurturing debate, I was less concerned that Brynna be able to do long division and more concerned that she be loved.  The search got a little overwhelming, but we eventually found the perfect fit.  In Little Acorns, I found people that would snuggle and cuddle my baby so I could have a few hours to run errands and have adult conversations.  And as she's grown from baby to toddler, they've done so much more than cuddle her.  The staff at Little Acorns knows Brynna at her core.  They know not to freak out when she won't eat - it's just her being stubborn.  They know not to force her to nap - she'll give in eventually when she thinks no one's watching.  Ms. JuJu watched her learn to walk; Ms. Terri helped her learn to use the potty; Ms. Kelly makes her use her words when she'd rather throw a fit.  These women know my Brynna and they truly love her.  And as a mom, that gives me a joy unspeakable.

I know we'll find a great new school for Brynna in Virginia.  I know Fairfax county has the best school system in the country.  But for a moment, I'm just sad that in January, when it's time to get back in the routine of school, BG won't be at Little Acorns.  Her teacher won't be Ms. Kelly.  Her classroom won't be in the same hallway it's always been up to now.

Why October 3, 1863 Matters to You

I have a somewhat embarrassing confession.  I knew it wasn't by accident that millions of people eat turkey the same day, but I didn't know that we celebrate Thanksgiving as a result of a declaration made by President Abraham Lincoln.  The declaration is several paragraphs long, but the part most quoted is... 


I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving...


I've talked to my sister often the past few days.  After their recent move to Malaysia, she's sojourning in a foreign land.  It's more difficult to celebrate Thanksgiving in our customary ways.  Green bean casserole and chocolate pie are difficult to recreate in a culture where curry is much easier to find than pudding or cream of mushroom soup.  But in the heart of American tradition, Vikki, Zoe and AJ had a long-distance turkey day (minus turkey - also not easy to find).  We missed them dearly, and I will much prefer next year when we can sit at the same table and laugh over a game of dominoes.  There is still something heart-warming, though, in the knowledge that we spent today in the same way - being grateful that we have each other, that no matter the distance our family is bound in love.


But although the above is what most people quote, that's not where President Lincoln ended his sentence.  The entire thought was that we observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.  It is impossible to be truly grateful and set aside a time to "thank" but not know Whom you are thanking.  President Lincoln wanted this day to be set aside to show gratitude and he was specific about who we were thanking - our beneficent Father.


The thing most interesting to me is that President Lincoln didn't write this decree during a pleasant time in American history.  It was a time of civil war, a time of great sacrifice and loss.  He began this decree with his own list of things to be thankful for - bountiful crops and sunny days, law-abiding citizens and peace from outside our borders during a time when it was lacking within.  He thanked God for advances in science and technology, for the expansion of territories and industries.  He didn't wait for things to be perfect to be grateful.  


I woke up yesterday with two main thoughts - 1) I had more to do than humanly possible because in the midst of all the moving stuff, I had not shopped a bit and family was arriving and 2) I felt like I might be sick.  The first didn't happen - David and his mom shopped for me.  The second did - I got very sick.  It was easy at one point to wish we could postpose Thanksgiving.  But things don't have to be perfect to be grateful...


I'm so thankful for...
*a husband who always makes my plate before his
*a little girl who needs to adjust to our return because she loves us so much it rocks her world when we're away
*a relationship with Taylor that makes me smile to think of the woman she's becoming
*my new table arriving in time for Thanksgiving
*a mother-in-law so amazing to take the reigns of this holiday so I could spend half the day in bed
*friends I call family
*the joy of pushing Brynna in a swing today and hearing her laugh
*the coat, scarf, gloves and Uggs that kept me warm during the aforementioned swinging
*Vonage, for letting me talk to Vikki everyday (or several times a day)
(because they each need a line all to themselves)
*Honey K, Pops, Yaya and Papa - who love Brynna just for being Brynna

*and so much more...

My Dad

As I look back at the last several blogs I’ve written, there is a consistent theme.  I have reached a stage in life where I am like a small child bragging that “my dad can beat up your dad.”  I’m like a proud little girl who looks up to her dad as the center of her world.  I watch Brynna look at David, and I see those eyes.  She bats those long lashes and smiles that adorable smile; and he gives her just about anything.  He does that because he loves her with a love he didn’t know possible until we had a child of our own.  And she looks at him with that adoration because in the span of her short life, she’s met no one who loves her more, provides better or cares for her deeper than her dad. 

Have you ever been so happy that you felt your heart had literally expanded an inch or two in your chest?  Have you ever experienced something and for the next several days, weeks or months it’s all you can talk about?  It’s not that people aren’t smart; you just feel like every time you describe the experience, you don’t do it justice.  You don’t see the same twinkle in their eye.  You don’t catch them running out to experience all you’ve described.  You assume that surely they didn’t understand how great the food, how awesome the vacation, how funny the movie…so you’ll tell them one more time just to drive the point home.

My niece doesn’t have cancer.  My goddaughter was born at 26 weeks and is at home, completely healthy.  My marriage is strong enough to withstand a move cross-country.  We sold our house 2 weeks before Thanksgiving.  We got not less but MORE than asking price.  We bought a house at 3am that was in process of being sold to other people.  We are closing 4 days after Christmas at the sellers’ request.  Who requests that?!

It’s not that I think you can’t read or aren’t smart.  It’s just that my heart has increased in size the last few months as I’ve come to a realization I’ve never known as purely and truly as I now know it – My Dad loves me more, provides better and cares for me deeper than I could ever ask or imagine.  When I look in your eyes and you’re missing the twinkle, when I see your sadness because you’ve tried it all and nothing seems to make you feel less alone, when I watch you work to attain a love that can’t compare to the Love I’m talking about…I want to tell you one more time just to drive the point home.

My niece doesn’t have cancer and you don’t have to hurt because My Dad is bigger than illness.  My goddaughter is fully formed because My Dad made her like he made you – perfectly and wonderfully.  My marriage is strong because My Dad can take all the broken things and make them beautiful.  Our house sold for more than we asked because you can’t out-give My Dad.  We bought that house at that time from those people in that way because My Dad has a plan and a purpose that is higher than anything you or I can understand.

I will keep saying it as long as He gives me breath because My Dad is that amazing.  My life looks different not because I go to church or claim a certain religion or “do” anything but because I am My Dad’s daughter.  My Dad loves you and He wants you to know it. 

Email me, send me a message on Facebook or call me.  Or just stop right now, at your desk, in your office, in the middle of your day and ask Him to change your life, too.

God. Is. BIG.

I promised a story.  Here you go...

In September, David was offered a job in McLean, VA.  We prayed and very quickly and clearly heard God say that this was where He wanted us to go.  Ernst & Young began the process of approving his relocation to their office just outside Washington DC.  From the beginning, our prayer was simple and unchanging.  We asked God to work in such big ways throughout this process that no one could be tempted to think we made it happen.  We wanted it to be undeniable that He alone paved this path we are walking.

In October, all the approvals were final and just before Halloween, we met with our realtor in Dallas to discuss selling our home.  Joan is very experienced and great at her job, so she went about setting our expectations.  In a real estate market not kind to sellers and at a time of year so near the holidays, the likelihood of a price reduction was high.  She showed us statistics one after another predicting that our house would be on the market up to a year, most likely around 6 months.  But my Father is BIG.  Within 6 days of the sign going in the yard, we had multiple offers for the house.  A bidding war of sorts ensued and we finally accepted an offer OVER our asking price.

That alone would be huge.  But God is BIG.  I hurried to Virginia to begin the home search while David does what he does – the numbers.  We prayed over every decision and this weekend, we returned to look at houses again.  Yesterday was Saturday.  We spent the day with Melissa, our other amazing real estate agent, and scoured Northern Virginia for the place God had chosen for us.  At the end of the long day of house hunting, we started looking at further details of one house in particular.  Around 5pm, Melissa offered to call the listing agent and “just see what the situation was.”  Little did we know, at that exact moment, the sellers of this home were in a back-and-forth negotiation with other buyers.  They had just sent the buyers their final offer – their bottom dollar.  Their listing agent was open and honest, and she and Melissa contacted an attorney.  They discovered that if we put in an offer, had the contract signed and ratified before the buyers responded, the sellers could withdraw their offer with no legal implications. So at that point, the race began.  Melissa wrote up a contract and sent it to us.  While we had the hotel manager print it, Melissa drove to our hotel and we reviewed and signed the offer in the Marriott lobby.  When we realized that one page wouldn’t print, the listing agent, Amal, suggested we come to her house so we could sign the pages.  At 8pm, we loaded into Melissa’s car and headed to the house of the listing agent.  We sat at her dining room table signing papers while people arrived at her home for a party she was hosting.  It was the most unlikely scenario but Amal and her husband may be the most hospitable people I’ve ever met.  They brought us drinks and hors d'oeuvres, and a half-hour later, we found ourselves in the middle of an authentic Moroccan celebration, never looking more like we were from Texas than at that moment.  We finally headed back to the hotel, and at 3am, we received word from Amal that the party had ended, the sellers had ratified the contract and the deal with the other buyers had been nullified. 

Not only did our house in Dallas sell when others thought it couldn’t, it sold for more than we asked.  Not only did we find a house in Virginia in the middle of the holiday season, it is above and beyond what we imagined.  Not only are we closing within the month, the sellers requested the exact date we had been planning to move. Not only did we buy a house in one weekend, we did so at 3am after seeing it once!

That’s our story and we’re sticking to it!  There’s no way we could begin to think we did this.  There is one explanation alone - God is BIG.

What Depression Taught Me I'm NOT: Part 2

Part 2

It’s so crazy that the things you struggle most to admit are way more obvious to people than you thought. The things you think might overpower you in the dark are much less scary in the light. The things you deal with, thinking no one else feels that way or could ever understand are much more common than you ever knew.

After I wrote initially about having post-partum depression, this amazing thing happened.  I honestly thought my mom and Hope were the only ones who read my blog.  (Hope somehow reads every blog ever written.  I don’t know how she does it.  I think she somehow has more hours in a day than the rest of us.)  But after pouring out my heart, girls started pouring theirs out to me.  I got to go to talk to girls who feel just like I did.  Some weren’t related to pregnancy or kids, but all were women struggling with that same dark cloud of lethargy and sadness. I am so grateful for those conversations.

Then, about a month ago, I had that moment.  I woke up one day and thought, “I’m good.  I feel more like myself.” This obviously meant I didn’t need medication anymore and I considered flushing the pills. But then I remembered. A friend who walked this crazy road before me said this day would come when I thought I was fine.  And just as she predicted, the realization came shortly thereafter that while I may be fine, I’m not great.  I never stopped taking the medicine, but a new wave of this crazy condition reared its ugly head. 

I struggle with the overwhelming urge to walk away.  It started out funny – I just want to eat my food while it’s still warm; I just want to put on an outfit and know it won’t be covered in M&M slobber by the end of the day.  But then the funny feelings turned funky.  I don’t want to be selfless and have to feed someone else before I can eat.  I don’t want to be tethered to someone and have a passenger in the car at all times.  I don’t want my daily reading to be Green Eggs and Ham.  So I thought, “what if I quit?”  I don’t want to hurt anyone (myself included).  I just want to press pause and walk away.  I want to do what I want to do, what fulfills me, what gives me energy.  (Me, Me, Me)  I then struggled with the feelings that always come next – I’m a bad mom, I’m so selfish, I’m a bad person, I’m crazy.

But I'm not crazy. I'm not the only one who's ridden this ride and lived to tell about it. Depression taught me that I'm not alone. And neither are you.  This is part of it.  It’s part of God making me who He wants me to be.  It’s part of me going through instead of around.  I still take that white pill every day, even on the days (like today) when I am bursting with energy and think I don’t need it.  I do that because it’s the tangible action God gave me to do.  Only He can change the inside, but we are all still responsible to put in work.

Depression taught me that I’m not alone, but to know that, I have to be honest. Maybe you haven’t been prescribed a pill.  Maybe you need to go see the doctor for the first time.  Maybe you need to go to a counselor and actually tell the truth rather than faking it for one more person.  Maybe you need to get over your pride and share your story with the girl sitting next to you so she can know she’s not crazy. So she can know she's not alone.

The Power of a Good Dad

Our dear friend, Chris, lost his dad this week.  Mr. McGregor fought leukemia for 8 years and although this week the life in his physical body ended, his life in God's presence has only begun.  While I'm sad for my friends, I can't stop smiling.  I don't know if I've ever had that reaction when I heard someone died.  But you didn't know this man.  He was one of those people that never had to say anything and you felt his presence in a room.  He was the man that didn't talk loudly or often, but when he opened his mouth to speak, you grabbed a pen so you could take notes.  He is securely where he always wanted to be - right next to His Father.  Chris wrote this about his dad...


He was tight with money but was careless and extravangant when it came to my mom.
He was big, strong and tough but tender to babies and those who were lonely or needed help.
He was quiet and content in the shadows but loud and laser-pointed when one of us was out of line.
He was a dedicated and hard worker but never lost the opportunity to cheer his 4 boys at the rink, the race or the pool.
He was busy and maxed out but not too busy to teach Sunday school or assume leadership at church.
His own family was wheels-off and dysfunctional but our family is strong, stable and unified.
I love you, Dad! See you soon...


Chris is an amazing man because he had an amazing dad.  As I read his words, I found myself thinking about Brynna's dad.  David is a strong leader, successful businessman and wonderful husband.  But I've never seen him flourish in a role like being a father.  He takes that job more seriously than any other and wears his title of "Daddy" with pride.  Brynna is 19 months old, but she could write an epithet about her dad similar to Chris's.  And similar to Chris, I hope BG has many years ahead of watching, learning from and looking up to her dad.  I know she'll be an amazing woman because she has an amazing dad.

If it wasn't for Texas...

There's a country song that lists all the things Texas is famous for - the Alamo, Austin City Limits, the yellow rose and lonesome dove.  The song ends with these words...

It made me the man I am:
Thank God for my old stompin' ground.
I wouldn't be standin' right here, right now,
If it wasn't for Texas.

I moved to Texas in 2003 after getting married in college and living for 3 months in a Notre Dame dorm room.    It wasn't the best time of my life.  Actually, it was one of the worst.  I hated Texas, Dallas and everything with a star on it.  Dallas moved faster than I wanted, spent more money than I had and left me feeling homesick like I'd never been before.  But that was only the beginning.  About 6 months after moving here, my life came to one of those forks in the road.  I found myself at a decision point.  I could go one direction and face pain like I'd never known, chase down hurts I had worked years to hide, let God shine light where it was dark.  Or I could go the other way.  Although I had honed the skill for years, I found myself unable to appear perfectly put together.  Suddenly I was staring back at myself through the eyes of my husband and what I saw wasn't pretty.


The farther from that time I get, the more I wonder if I chose the road less traveled or if God just picked me up and put me there.  I chose; I know God never forces us.  But it was one of those steps of faith that you take not because you are of sound mind to make a good choice but because you can't physically take another step in the other direction.  David and I spent more than a year in therapy.  He held my hand, we cried together and as healing started replacing hurt, it got more enjoyable to shine light in that darkness.  Eventually, the sessions got farther apart and like a rainy day when the sun comes out, things started warming up.  Now and then, one of us still visits Dr. Jim for a tweak, but we have come to the other side.  And what we have on this side wouldn't have been possible if I had never left Oklahoma.  The growth couldn't have happened if I'd stayed forever in my comfort zone.  Had I been unwilling to go through the hurt, God couldn't have used me to touch lives by sharing my story and holding someone's hand at their fork in the road.


There was a time that I resented living in Dallas.  I tried all I could to resist, lest I embrace this place that wasn't my "mine.".  But now,  just as I take pride in the fact that I am a Texan, God is calling me away again.  They put the For Sale sign in the yard today.  David, Brynna, Miles and I are moving to Washington DC.  God has blessed our obedience with amazing abundance.  David has been offered a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity, and we are heading East to follow as God clears the path.  When the offer was first discussed, David and I had a long conversation about what it would mean to move, uproot Brynna, leave the place we've become a family, etc.  But above all the fears and questions, we both came back to one thought again and again - 

I would rather stand before my Father even if I try and fail, knowing I went obediently where He sent me than hear Him say that He had so much more for me if only I'd been willing to follow.


I didn't have that perspective 8 years ago.  and I didn't know God like I know Him now.  I couldn't trust Him with everything because I wasn't willing to give it all to Him.  Today, as I sit here with butterflies in my stomach, reviewing MLS listings, the nerves don't have control.  God does.  And in large part, that's because...

It made me the (wo)man I am:
Thank God for my old stompin' ground.
I wouldn't be standin' right here, right now,
If it wasn't for Texas.