How to Clean Your House

It has come to my attention that some of you don't know how to thoroughly clean your house. It's ok. I'm sure you try, but clearly no one has taught you proper protocol. Good thing for you, I'm here to teach you. No need to thank me. I'm just that kind.

Housecleaning 101

1. Use an assistant. This is paramount. If you get nothing else, get this. It's a must. You are incapable of cleaning a toilet yourself. Just accept it. I don't even know how you got to this stage of life solo.

2. Have lots of Windex. Windex cleans everything. If you don't believe me, just ask your assistant. Most importantly, though, Windex comes in a squirt bottle. This is very important, as assistants live for spraying. Spraying something blue only makes it better.

3. Have backup Windex. When I say assistants love to spray, I mean they LOVE. TO. SPRAY. You're going to need more. Even if the bottle was full when you started. Trust me. Buy 2. (Also...I assume it goes without saying, but for clarification, when I say "Windex," I mean the Target brand.)

4. Vacuum. Even if you have tile, wood or cement floors. You must vacuum. It's less for the gathering of material on the ground and more for the enjoyment of your assistant who will immediately stop what she's doing and scream as loud as she can "because you can't hear it." (Note: You can hear it.)

5. Don't even attempt to clean the toilet bowl. You can handle the exterior. You can even manage to pour in the PineSol. You are not qualified to use the scrubber that goes in the toilet. You might be tempted to work quickly, and as your assistant will demonstrate, it takes at least 15 minutes of watching the water go in circles to ensure cleaning is complete.

6. Know that magic happens. It does. You can't control it. You can't explain it. (Duh, it's magic.) You will put away the princess wand only to find it in the middle of the room again 3 minutes later. You will foolishly put the princess wand away again only to narrowly rescue it from being used to help with toilet bowl cleaning. You will then, for a third (fourth, fifth...) time, put the princess wand away. And find it out again. At some point, you'll acknowledge that it must be magic.

7. Take breaks. Intermittent periods of recess are essential. In addition, certain circumstances necessitate that your assistant take a break. For example, there is the "Tinkerbell" Break where your assistant walks past the television and sees Tinkerbell on, therefore needing to break to watch. There is the "Rediscovered Juice Cup" Break requiring that your assistant take a break to drink from, fill up or play with said cup each time she comes across it. There is also, of course, the infamous "Make a Fort Out of Sheets While Changing the Bed" Break.

8. Re-clean. It only shows your naiveté that you think you are only supposed to clean once. How short-sighted of you. Clearly, you didn't spend all that time to just do it once! Before the supplies are back in the cabinet, you'll have tiny assistant-sized handprints to remove from the sliding glass door. I say again...duh!