Dance in the rain

With those who know me best, we say I am brown on the inside. We joke that inside, I'm a black girl, my outsides just got confused so everyone sees a white girl. This becomes glaringly evident the moment it rains. Most girls have those years between awkward and amazing when she learns who she is, how to put on make up, do her hair, speak respectfully, dress appropriately and ultimately become the woman she will be. I lived much of these years in the homes of my 2 best friends (who happen to be black)...under the guidance of their mothers who treated me as their own. So somewhere along the way, I just missed the fact that my hair won't do the same thing when wet that theirs will. While I don't think there are many people who love to get caught in the rain, I avoid it at just about any cost, convinced my hair will kink up and my relaxer will be ruined. The morning I wake up and see it's raining, I start rearranging my day in my head. What isn't necessary? What errand can wait until it stops raining? Things that were of utmost importance when I went to bed are suddenly negotiable; deadlines become guidelines. The past few weeks, it has stormed almost daily here in Dallas, and I recently realized I have been tense since it started raining. And I promise I'm really not dumb...I know my hair is naturally straight.

Rain is just not something I like. I could list all the reasons but you'd be bored, so I'll spare you the details. The bottom line is that while it is necessary, I would often choose to go without and allow my surroundings to be worse off than for the bottom of my jeans to be wet. Since writing the blog about my depression, I have heard from so many girls like me. Some have depression resulting from childbirth or changes in these wonderful female bodies. Some have struggled for years with what feels like unexplainable feelings. Some are sad; some are anxious. Some fear what may happen in front of them; some grieve what has or hasn't happened behind them. The bottom line is, it's raining. And when it rains, you can choose to stay inside and hide or you can choose to grab an umbrella and head out to whatever you had planned that day. You could even choose to smile in the face of something you don't like and dance anyway.

This is not the first time the figurative rain clouds have rolled in, but my response was similar as I have to actual rain clouds. I hid. I told myself if I just didn't go out, maybe it would go away. I was willing to give up seeing the sunshine to try and ignore the shadow of the rain clouds. I wished it away, willed it away. I wan't interested in any growth that could come from all of this. I didn't care that I had the right tools to withstand this storm. I was focused only on not getting wet. But avoiding the rain will get you nothing but dead, dry soil where nothing can grow. I began to see a break in the clouds only after I stepped out in the rain. I had to admit it was there and be willing to find someone with an umbrella who could help. Flowers didn't pop up overnight. The sun didn't immediately drive out the clouds. But I learned that I would not melt. I learned I would survive. Even if it never stopped raining, I would be ok. And eventually, I learned that this rain has made me better. And if you let it, it will make you better, too.

So all this begs the question - Do I still run from the first sight of actual rain? Yes. It's a hard response to unlearn. But it no longer changes the course of my day. It no longer determines if it will be a good day or bad. It is not the deciding factor in what I do. I don't have to love the dark days or call them fun. But I recognize the good that follows when I let rain do it's job. And for that, I'm thankful.

(So here's the bad news, girls. Finding someone with an umbrella doesn't mean telling your girlfriends all your woes. That's like running with your purse over your head. It will help for a moment but it's not the way to weather a storm. You have to go to someone who can truly help make it better. That may be a doctor who can prescribe medication or it may be a therapist. Or, like me, it may be both. That doesn't mean you have to do both forever. But you've got to let them help.)