Operation Not a Bum: Day Five

I blame you. All of you. I tried to be honest and look what it got me. I told you that I wasn't quite as sore and you called Beth. I can't prove it, but I know you did it. I almost lost a leg Monday!

You know the routine by now...we start with cardio. Deciding not to fight the inevitable, I jumped on my elliptical and got moving, totally distracted by the fact that I forgot my ipod and water bottle. I looked right and left, mentally sizing up my unknowing competitors for the day and off I went - on pace to beat them both in the race they didn't know they were running. This time, though, Beth decided to switch things up. While I was distracted at my fake starting line, she got on an elliptical beside us. Suddenly, she yells, "Up 2 levels!" and we were all forced to adjust our settings. Every 2 minutes or so, Beth would yell instructions - up 2 levels, down a level, up three, increase your speed. I've heard horror stories about spin classes and I invision it being something like this. The major problem with this whole set up was that I started at level 7! I was so focused on beating the girl next to me that I started several levels above everyone. So with no water or ipod, I pedaled my way to nowhere for 20 miserable minutes and literally almost fell getting off the machine. Regardless of what I said about the water cooler last time, I have never raced to get to it faster. I considered pouring the whole thing on my head but thought it may draw attention.

Before I could drink my second cone-shaped cup of water, Beth was at the door to the gym yelling for us to hurry up. As we got close, she instructed us to grab weights and an elastic band. I had a vision of strangling her with a band - not because I wanted to harm her. I was delusional. Blood was rushing too quickly to my head. It was momentary psychosis.

I made it in without harming anyone and wrapped the horrible torture device around my feet. We all proceeded to walk down and back the gym in the sideways motion I've grown to hate so much. As soon as my feet crossed the black line, she was instructing us to put down the band, pick up the weights and go down and back doing walking lunges. I pride myself on at least faking it in these situations. Even if I think the muscle in my leg might fray, I push through and get it done. Don't be confused. I am not that strong. And this is not great will power or self-determination. It's pretty much just good old fasioned pride. This time, though, I couldn't even fake it. I had to stop and rest. I thought I might die right there on the gym floor. You can imagine my reaction when she told us to rest a minute and THEN WE DID IT ALL AGAIN! Abduction with the band and walking lunges, down and back, down and back...the muscle in my right butt cheek is still twitching and it's Wednesday!

You'd think after that, we got to focus on upper body strength, right? I thought that. I was wrong. We did split lunges which may have ruined my knee forever. In the event that I was going to compete in an Iron Man competition (yeah, right!), I now have a viable injury - knee pain caused by excessive lunging. So after I officially starting walking with a limp, Beth finished me off with incline and cable flys and then...wait for it...pushups!

I will figure out who called Beth. Just you wait. (My first money is on my husband, followed closely by my sister...)