Operation Not a Bum: Day Six

I may need to rethink the title of my little workout operation. While I went to class today, I can't say in good conscience that I am not still very much a bum. I have never wanted to skip a class so bad in my life. And that's including all those high school and college days where I so clearly knew more than the teacher!

Although I wanted desperately to stay home, I drug myself to the Y and without (much) complaining, I hopped on the elliptical. I decided this was not the day for a podcast and cranked up my ipod with some upbeat music. Soon, I had forgotten all about being tired and was just glad I'd made it to the gym. Oh, wait. No. People who say that are kidding themselves and others. I choose to tell the truth. I was more tired after the cardio than before and still counting the minutes til I got to leave. (Maybe I'm not so far off from those college days after all.)

Beth must have sensed the general feeling of lethargy in the group today. While she by no means took it easy on us, she did let down her guard and told us she had a corndog at the fair. Right after that, though, she looked at the girl doing shoulder abduction and asked what she was doing. The girl's answer was "resting". Beth looked at her like she was speaking French and said, "Resting? There's no resting. And you're doing those wrong so now you have to start over." Beth chooses to tell the truth, too.

The shoulder abduction was only one of the things we did today. Beth decided since we had an odd number, it would be best to do a circuit instead of paired exercises. Right. Because what other option did we have with an odd number? I offered to go home so they'd be even, but Beth didn't hear me because I said it in my head. I may be grown, but I'm still scared of the teacher.

So lived to tell of another day. The circuit came close but didn't actually kill me, although I'm still confused as to where a medicine ball got it's name. There was nothing medicinal about squatting and raising a big heavy ball. Now had I been allowed to throw the ball...? That may have made me feel a bit better.

Operation Not a Bum: Day Five

I blame you. All of you. I tried to be honest and look what it got me. I told you that I wasn't quite as sore and you called Beth. I can't prove it, but I know you did it. I almost lost a leg Monday!

You know the routine by now...we start with cardio. Deciding not to fight the inevitable, I jumped on my elliptical and got moving, totally distracted by the fact that I forgot my ipod and water bottle. I looked right and left, mentally sizing up my unknowing competitors for the day and off I went - on pace to beat them both in the race they didn't know they were running. This time, though, Beth decided to switch things up. While I was distracted at my fake starting line, she got on an elliptical beside us. Suddenly, she yells, "Up 2 levels!" and we were all forced to adjust our settings. Every 2 minutes or so, Beth would yell instructions - up 2 levels, down a level, up three, increase your speed. I've heard horror stories about spin classes and I invision it being something like this. The major problem with this whole set up was that I started at level 7! I was so focused on beating the girl next to me that I started several levels above everyone. So with no water or ipod, I pedaled my way to nowhere for 20 miserable minutes and literally almost fell getting off the machine. Regardless of what I said about the water cooler last time, I have never raced to get to it faster. I considered pouring the whole thing on my head but thought it may draw attention.

Before I could drink my second cone-shaped cup of water, Beth was at the door to the gym yelling for us to hurry up. As we got close, she instructed us to grab weights and an elastic band. I had a vision of strangling her with a band - not because I wanted to harm her. I was delusional. Blood was rushing too quickly to my head. It was momentary psychosis.

I made it in without harming anyone and wrapped the horrible torture device around my feet. We all proceeded to walk down and back the gym in the sideways motion I've grown to hate so much. As soon as my feet crossed the black line, she was instructing us to put down the band, pick up the weights and go down and back doing walking lunges. I pride myself on at least faking it in these situations. Even if I think the muscle in my leg might fray, I push through and get it done. Don't be confused. I am not that strong. And this is not great will power or self-determination. It's pretty much just good old fasioned pride. This time, though, I couldn't even fake it. I had to stop and rest. I thought I might die right there on the gym floor. You can imagine my reaction when she told us to rest a minute and THEN WE DID IT ALL AGAIN! Abduction with the band and walking lunges, down and back, down and back...the muscle in my right butt cheek is still twitching and it's Wednesday!

You'd think after that, we got to focus on upper body strength, right? I thought that. I was wrong. We did split lunges which may have ruined my knee forever. In the event that I was going to compete in an Iron Man competition (yeah, right!), I now have a viable injury - knee pain caused by excessive lunging. So after I officially starting walking with a limp, Beth finished me off with incline and cable flys and then...wait for it...pushups!

I will figure out who called Beth. Just you wait. (My first money is on my husband, followed closely by my sister...)

3 Ring Thursday

Ring 1 - Here's your sign...

Brynna and I went to run errands this morning. We went to Academy and as we entered, we walked in with a man carrying deer antlers. I'm not talking about fake antlers. I'm not talking about antlers that have been taken to a taxidermist and professionally mounted. I'm talking about antlers from a deer he shot recently - maybe this morning on the way to Academy. There was still blood on them. So he walks in carrying his antlers and the girl at the front of the store greets us. I say hello; he says hello. She then asks him, "Sir, is that a return?" Yep. I picked these up last week but they just don't go with my decor in the Man Cave. Here's your sign...

(Note - If you've never heard of "Here's your sign..." you have missed out on some key redneck humor compliments of Bill Engvall. Don't you ever hear people ask things so dumb you just want them to hang a sign around their neck announcing their stupidity?)

Ring 2 - Front row entertainment
After we got home and had lunch, Brynna laid down for a nap. I got some much-needed time to do housework and spend some alone time with God. As usual, God rewards me when I set aside the time to spend with Him. Sometimes the gratification comes days later, sometimes it's immediate. Today is was instantaneous. I was reading my Bible when the doorbell rang. By the time I got to the door, there was no one there, but I saw a package on my front step. I then noticed a large, brown UPS truck on my front walk. Yes, my front walk. Not on the street in front of my house. Apparently taking a circle around the block was too much to ask. This nice UPS man decided turning the truck around right there was best and ended up perpendicular in the street. I then got to watch him perform a 17-point turn. He inched forward then backward, back and forth until he finally got turned around. What can Brown do for me? Not drive on my lawn.

Thank you, God. I needed a good show!

Ring 3 - Loud
There is really no other explanation for the latter part of the afternoon. After Brynna woke up from her nap, she spent some quality time in her bouncer. You've seen these contraptions, right? They hook to a door frame and the child bounces up and down. Well, most children bounce. My child spins. She leans real far to one side and pushes with her feet until she turns around in circles. She thinks it's a ride. Today she discovered a new trick for her act. As she spun, she made her new favorite sound - a high-pitched squeal that reaches decibels I'm pretty sure most humans can't hear. When she was facing the room with the higher ceiling, she noticed it made a different sound. So she would spin toward the den and squeal, then spin herself the other direction and squeal. Then she'd laugh, cracking herself up. The problem with the high-pitched squeal is that although some humans can't hear it, dogs can. Miles came running from the back of the house barking. Each time she'd spin in his direction, he'd jump up like someone was about to attack and his bark was somehow going to save me. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't saved. I was deaf. I'm just now getting the rest of the hearing back in my right ear.

And people say not working outside the home is boring. Nope. I just added a new title. Now I'm a ringmaster.

Operation Not a Bum: Day Four

I didn't post after yesterday's class because I was scared. I'm still a little scared now, if I'm honest. I don't think Beth reads my blog. But what if she does?! What if she reads this and plans our workouts accordingly?! Well here goes. Here's the big news I'm scared to put in ink. I'm not that sore. (It's better to whisper...just in case.)

We started class like we always do - with cardio. Beth reluctantly allowed everyone to do cardio inside instead of outdoor running, and by 'reluctantly', I mean she sighed and said "I guess go get on a machine." Head down, pencils up. (Or knees up. Whatever.) That's all I was thinking. I scrambled to the ellipticals and got moving. But in my attempt to find the machine with the working heart rate sensor, I made a major mistake. I chose a machine, started moving and tested the heart rate sensors. Of course...they didn't work. There was no way I was getting off with Beth right there, so I went to Plan B.

Plan A is the machine keeps my heart rate in the right range by adjusting the level as I go. Plan B is Regina competing with Regina. Never a fair fight. Plan B means I arbitrarily choose a speed and don't allow myself to drop below that. Ok...maybe it's not arbitrary. Maybe I look at what speed the people around me are going and try to stay above that. Point is - I beat Betty. She did not know we were racing, but I won. And as usual, my little competitive streak ended in me working harder than I thought possible to prove my point. I don't think I've worked that hard on the ellipticals yet. Of course, now I have a new target speed to beat, so let's hope I don't pass out next time when I happen to get on the machine next to some high-schooler training for track.

My grave mistake, though, was not working harder. I'm actually beginning to buy the line that that was good for me. The mistake was when I looked up. I was so intent on finding the machine, then not getting off the machine, then seeing Betty's speed, then staying above Betty's speed...that I didn't look at the little TV attached to the elliptical. The remote was hanging over the bar just out of my reach and the TV was tuned to Benny Hinn! I raced Betty that whole way while Benny smacked people and spoke in a montage of light-colored suits with buttons all the way up the neck. Where do those suits come from, anyway?

And a side note - someone should monitor the channels gyms are allowed to receive and air. I looked past Benny to the big TV on the wall and what do I see? Rachel Ray? Really? While I'm running my little heart out trying to leave behind the Taco Bueno I ate the day before, someone thought the Food Network would be a good idea? I'd like to talk to that someone. I'd like to tell him (cause you know it was a him) a thing or two about women, food and being forced to sweat.

So anyway, after I beat Betty, it was time for weights. I may have toothpicks for arms, but my little arms are as feisty as I am. I curled and pressed and worked my triceps with as much or more weight as the rest of the group with not too much pain. Legs on the other hand - still my nemesis. We did stationary lunges, squats and a side-to-side thing that hurt my bum. And then...we were done. Our hour was up and although I wasn't happy, I was able to walk to get Brynna. I didn't even have to get a drink at the water dispenser first. (By the way...getting a drink is code for "I'm too tired to do more or walk to get my kid, so I'm going to stand here and rest but look like I'm getting a drink." You know you've done it. Don't lie.) I even made it to the car without a leg giving out on me.

So you can see me dilemma. If it didn't hurt as bad, maybe I need to increase my workout. Whoa! What did I just say? I think I had an out-of-body experience. That wasn't me. Pretend I never said it. Certainly don't tell Beth I even thought it.

Seriously.

Don't tell Beth.