An Open Letter about Public Restroom Standards and Practices

External Memo

RE: Public Restrooms

To Whom It May Concern:

There has been some recent misunderstanding about the standards of public restrooms.  In order to clear up any confusion, this memo outlines the necessary protocol.  The following is the result of diligent research done by public bathroom expert, Brynna Grace Johnston (age 21 months).  Miss Johnston is so dedicated to providing a thorough analysis that she has spent the past weeks visiting almost every bathroom in Northern Virginia.  (This fieldwork is combined with her previous research into the bathrooms of Texas and Oklahoma.)

1. General accessibility – All restrooms should be clearly marked.  In the event of an emergency, requiring one to ask (or heaven-forbid unlock!) the restroom only adds stress and unavailable time.
2. Internal accessibility – Stalls should provide enough room for two people to do a short dance if necessary.  Dances may be the result of good work or something resembling musical chairs while the patron determines if she will, in fact, ‘go’ or rather wait to find another locale.  Restrooms should never double as storage, as that inhibits workspace as well as tempts guests to touch available items.
3. Position of in-stall materials – It is suggested that toilet paper holders be within reach but in some way contained as opposed to an open roll.  This does away with the temptation for spinning the roll while cheering, “wipe, wipe!”  Trashcans should be inconspicuous and, if at possible, camouflaged so as to appropriately hide it from the view of curious customers.
4. Flushing device – Manual flushing toilets are preferred.  Automatic flushers often cause patrons to get distracted from the task at hand.  Manual flushes ensure that the guest finishes and eliminate the opportunity to stop midway through ‘going’ to cheer for the toilet.
5. Hand-washing areas – Sinks, soap dispensers and faucets should be within appropriate reach.  Manual options are, again, preferable but not necessary.  If automatic dispensers are in place, it is of utmost priority that they are in working order.  Non-working soap dispensers force patrons to move to a different area and after picking the perfect sink, this may result in momentary bursts of tears. Automatic faucets should never be set to a temperature too warm for overly discerning guests. 
6. Hand-drying areas – Paper towels must be an option!  Under no circumstance should the only option be an air-dry machine.  These devices are loud and terrifying.  When heard, they can cause outbursts of epic proportions, including but not limited to screaming, screeching, crying and at times, even the gnashing of teeth.  Paper towels are not only silent, but also offer the necessary fun of carrying one’s trash to a receptacle as well as the trash of other patrons in the restroom at the same time.

Please note that general cleanliness is not addressed as it required at all times for any restroom (public or private) and the lack thereof will cause guests to open the door, yell "NO!" and quickly flee the scene.  Note also that this list is not exhaustive and may be updated at any time at the discretion or change of opinion of expert researchers.