Terms of Parenthood

I went to Panera to write this morning and had to login to access the internet.  As usual, I had to agree to the terms of use before I could browse.  I needed to check my online bank account but before I could sign in, I was required to agree to seeing the update in the terms of my account.  The other day I downloaded Adobe Reader.  Guess what?  Yep.  Had to agree before proceeding.  I'm pretty sure you even have a similar step when first becoming a member of the Facebook community.  So tell me this...why do I have to agree before "friending" 400 people on the internet but any old person can have a child?

For years, (long before actually becoming a parent) I have been an advocate of a parental application process.  I think you should have to apply to have a child.  At minimum, you should have to click a box that you agree to the terms before proceeding.  A requirement of acceptance of the terms might cause many to think before acting, and would, undoubtedly, significantly lower the birth rate and a plethora of other social dilemmas.

Terms of Parenthood
By entering into this intimate relationship with the opposite sex, you are agreeing that you understand childbirth is a possibility and you are willing to accept the new environment of your life when said child is born.  Changes to existing life environment may include but are not limited to:

• Foregoing vanity of any kind during the 10 months your body is inhabited by another and the unspecified number of labor hours when 27 people are present as the child is birthed
• Living in a zombie-like trance for 6-8 weeks due to waking every 2 hours to feed the child
• Spending the equivalent of a designer pair of jeans every month to purchase something your child can poop in and then you throw away
• Cleaning spit up, throw up, vomit, food items and other random bodily fluids from every carpeted or upholstered surface of your home or vehicle
• Running new bath water at least twice after the child has some form of nasty accident in the water which you have the added bonus of touching in order to run said bath water
• After spending the designer jean equivalent above, monthly spending the price of a pair of new shoes in addition so as to pay for food stuffs, doctors visits, clothing and accessories
• Fishing puzzle pieces, tupperware and other random household objects from the toilet after the child finds it and considers it a new play area
• Becoming "that" person at the restaurant who continues to eat yet can't seem to control their child but being unwilling to leave due to the price of said meal
• Showering at extreme hours of the day and night in relation to nap/sleep times
• At times, going days with no shower at all when nap/sleep time doesn't allow
• Showering with small child in the stall because you are unable to ensure the safety of your home and family pet if child is left unattended for the 10 minutes you hurriedly bathe
• Trading your top ranked songs on the Ipod for a Backyardigans video and Dora the Explorer theme song
• Losing your ipod for days only to find it the refrigerator
• Losing weight not by time on the treadmill but due to lack of food because what's on Mommy's plate seems to somehow have more appeal although it's the same thing as on the child's plate
• Losing additional weight by chasing the child down the street as he/she tries to walk the dog
• Gaining back some of lost weight after single-handedly binge eating half a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie

In addition to the above changes in lifestyle, you are agreeing to an overall concession of primary self-thought.  You agree to thinking first about the welfare, safety, happiness and comfort of the child before any thought is given to your own desires, needs or wants.

In return for the acceptance of these terms, you will learn more love and joy than you could imagine while simultaneously functioning at a level of fatigue you thought impossible to sustain human life.

If you agree, click to proceed.  

If you don't, you might want to rethink some things.