Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most: Part 1

So many things will change when we move.  As the day gets closer when the moving truck arrives, the reality is hitting hard.  I'm sad and nervous and excited and terrified.  There are so many things - big and small - that will be different in our new home.  They aren't all bad, but they won't be the same.  And I would be naive to think that's not going to hurt for a little while.  As part of my "grieving process," I'm going to send a little shout out to the things I will miss.  I'm not David Letterman, I don't wear white socks with dark pants and shoes, and there is no band standing ready to burst into song when I say something funny.  (But how awesome would that be?!?!)  Either way, here we go...

The Top Ten Things I'll Miss the Most

#10 - Little Acorns Child Development Center
I realized very early on that for this stay-at-home thing to work, Brynna and I were going to need some time apart.  We love each other, but we both have extremely strong personalities and often, those wills spend the day crashing into each other.  So when BG was 6 months old, I began to look at our options.  In the education vs. nurturing debate, I was less concerned that Brynna be able to do long division and more concerned that she be loved.  The search got a little overwhelming, but we eventually found the perfect fit.  In Little Acorns, I found people that would snuggle and cuddle my baby so I could have a few hours to run errands and have adult conversations.  And as she's grown from baby to toddler, they've done so much more than cuddle her.  The staff at Little Acorns knows Brynna at her core.  They know not to freak out when she won't eat - it's just her being stubborn.  They know not to force her to nap - she'll give in eventually when she thinks no one's watching.  Ms. JuJu watched her learn to walk; Ms. Terri helped her learn to use the potty; Ms. Kelly makes her use her words when she'd rather throw a fit.  These women know my Brynna and they truly love her.  And as a mom, that gives me a joy unspeakable.

I know we'll find a great new school for Brynna in Virginia.  I know Fairfax county has the best school system in the country.  But for a moment, I'm just sad that in January, when it's time to get back in the routine of school, BG won't be at Little Acorns.  Her teacher won't be Ms. Kelly.  Her classroom won't be in the same hallway it's always been up to now.

Why October 3, 1863 Matters to You

I have a somewhat embarrassing confession.  I knew it wasn't by accident that millions of people eat turkey the same day, but I didn't know that we celebrate Thanksgiving as a result of a declaration made by President Abraham Lincoln.  The declaration is several paragraphs long, but the part most quoted is... 


I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving...


I've talked to my sister often the past few days.  After their recent move to Malaysia, she's sojourning in a foreign land.  It's more difficult to celebrate Thanksgiving in our customary ways.  Green bean casserole and chocolate pie are difficult to recreate in a culture where curry is much easier to find than pudding or cream of mushroom soup.  But in the heart of American tradition, Vikki, Zoe and AJ had a long-distance turkey day (minus turkey - also not easy to find).  We missed them dearly, and I will much prefer next year when we can sit at the same table and laugh over a game of dominoes.  There is still something heart-warming, though, in the knowledge that we spent today in the same way - being grateful that we have each other, that no matter the distance our family is bound in love.


But although the above is what most people quote, that's not where President Lincoln ended his sentence.  The entire thought was that we observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.  It is impossible to be truly grateful and set aside a time to "thank" but not know Whom you are thanking.  President Lincoln wanted this day to be set aside to show gratitude and he was specific about who we were thanking - our beneficent Father.


The thing most interesting to me is that President Lincoln didn't write this decree during a pleasant time in American history.  It was a time of civil war, a time of great sacrifice and loss.  He began this decree with his own list of things to be thankful for - bountiful crops and sunny days, law-abiding citizens and peace from outside our borders during a time when it was lacking within.  He thanked God for advances in science and technology, for the expansion of territories and industries.  He didn't wait for things to be perfect to be grateful.  


I woke up yesterday with two main thoughts - 1) I had more to do than humanly possible because in the midst of all the moving stuff, I had not shopped a bit and family was arriving and 2) I felt like I might be sick.  The first didn't happen - David and his mom shopped for me.  The second did - I got very sick.  It was easy at one point to wish we could postpose Thanksgiving.  But things don't have to be perfect to be grateful...


I'm so thankful for...
*a husband who always makes my plate before his
*a little girl who needs to adjust to our return because she loves us so much it rocks her world when we're away
*a relationship with Taylor that makes me smile to think of the woman she's becoming
*my new table arriving in time for Thanksgiving
*a mother-in-law so amazing to take the reigns of this holiday so I could spend half the day in bed
*friends I call family
*the joy of pushing Brynna in a swing today and hearing her laugh
*the coat, scarf, gloves and Uggs that kept me warm during the aforementioned swinging
*Vonage, for letting me talk to Vikki everyday (or several times a day)
(because they each need a line all to themselves)
*Honey K, Pops, Yaya and Papa - who love Brynna just for being Brynna

*and so much more...

My Dad

As I look back at the last several blogs I’ve written, there is a consistent theme.  I have reached a stage in life where I am like a small child bragging that “my dad can beat up your dad.”  I’m like a proud little girl who looks up to her dad as the center of her world.  I watch Brynna look at David, and I see those eyes.  She bats those long lashes and smiles that adorable smile; and he gives her just about anything.  He does that because he loves her with a love he didn’t know possible until we had a child of our own.  And she looks at him with that adoration because in the span of her short life, she’s met no one who loves her more, provides better or cares for her deeper than her dad. 

Have you ever been so happy that you felt your heart had literally expanded an inch or two in your chest?  Have you ever experienced something and for the next several days, weeks or months it’s all you can talk about?  It’s not that people aren’t smart; you just feel like every time you describe the experience, you don’t do it justice.  You don’t see the same twinkle in their eye.  You don’t catch them running out to experience all you’ve described.  You assume that surely they didn’t understand how great the food, how awesome the vacation, how funny the movie…so you’ll tell them one more time just to drive the point home.

My niece doesn’t have cancer.  My goddaughter was born at 26 weeks and is at home, completely healthy.  My marriage is strong enough to withstand a move cross-country.  We sold our house 2 weeks before Thanksgiving.  We got not less but MORE than asking price.  We bought a house at 3am that was in process of being sold to other people.  We are closing 4 days after Christmas at the sellers’ request.  Who requests that?!

It’s not that I think you can’t read or aren’t smart.  It’s just that my heart has increased in size the last few months as I’ve come to a realization I’ve never known as purely and truly as I now know it – My Dad loves me more, provides better and cares for me deeper than I could ever ask or imagine.  When I look in your eyes and you’re missing the twinkle, when I see your sadness because you’ve tried it all and nothing seems to make you feel less alone, when I watch you work to attain a love that can’t compare to the Love I’m talking about…I want to tell you one more time just to drive the point home.

My niece doesn’t have cancer and you don’t have to hurt because My Dad is bigger than illness.  My goddaughter is fully formed because My Dad made her like he made you – perfectly and wonderfully.  My marriage is strong because My Dad can take all the broken things and make them beautiful.  Our house sold for more than we asked because you can’t out-give My Dad.  We bought that house at that time from those people in that way because My Dad has a plan and a purpose that is higher than anything you or I can understand.

I will keep saying it as long as He gives me breath because My Dad is that amazing.  My life looks different not because I go to church or claim a certain religion or “do” anything but because I am My Dad’s daughter.  My Dad loves you and He wants you to know it. 

Email me, send me a message on Facebook or call me.  Or just stop right now, at your desk, in your office, in the middle of your day and ask Him to change your life, too.

God. Is. BIG.

I promised a story.  Here you go...

In September, David was offered a job in McLean, VA.  We prayed and very quickly and clearly heard God say that this was where He wanted us to go.  Ernst & Young began the process of approving his relocation to their office just outside Washington DC.  From the beginning, our prayer was simple and unchanging.  We asked God to work in such big ways throughout this process that no one could be tempted to think we made it happen.  We wanted it to be undeniable that He alone paved this path we are walking.

In October, all the approvals were final and just before Halloween, we met with our realtor in Dallas to discuss selling our home.  Joan is very experienced and great at her job, so she went about setting our expectations.  In a real estate market not kind to sellers and at a time of year so near the holidays, the likelihood of a price reduction was high.  She showed us statistics one after another predicting that our house would be on the market up to a year, most likely around 6 months.  But my Father is BIG.  Within 6 days of the sign going in the yard, we had multiple offers for the house.  A bidding war of sorts ensued and we finally accepted an offer OVER our asking price.

That alone would be huge.  But God is BIG.  I hurried to Virginia to begin the home search while David does what he does – the numbers.  We prayed over every decision and this weekend, we returned to look at houses again.  Yesterday was Saturday.  We spent the day with Melissa, our other amazing real estate agent, and scoured Northern Virginia for the place God had chosen for us.  At the end of the long day of house hunting, we started looking at further details of one house in particular.  Around 5pm, Melissa offered to call the listing agent and “just see what the situation was.”  Little did we know, at that exact moment, the sellers of this home were in a back-and-forth negotiation with other buyers.  They had just sent the buyers their final offer – their bottom dollar.  Their listing agent was open and honest, and she and Melissa contacted an attorney.  They discovered that if we put in an offer, had the contract signed and ratified before the buyers responded, the sellers could withdraw their offer with no legal implications. So at that point, the race began.  Melissa wrote up a contract and sent it to us.  While we had the hotel manager print it, Melissa drove to our hotel and we reviewed and signed the offer in the Marriott lobby.  When we realized that one page wouldn’t print, the listing agent, Amal, suggested we come to her house so we could sign the pages.  At 8pm, we loaded into Melissa’s car and headed to the house of the listing agent.  We sat at her dining room table signing papers while people arrived at her home for a party she was hosting.  It was the most unlikely scenario but Amal and her husband may be the most hospitable people I’ve ever met.  They brought us drinks and hors d'oeuvres, and a half-hour later, we found ourselves in the middle of an authentic Moroccan celebration, never looking more like we were from Texas than at that moment.  We finally headed back to the hotel, and at 3am, we received word from Amal that the party had ended, the sellers had ratified the contract and the deal with the other buyers had been nullified. 

Not only did our house in Dallas sell when others thought it couldn’t, it sold for more than we asked.  Not only did we find a house in Virginia in the middle of the holiday season, it is above and beyond what we imagined.  Not only are we closing within the month, the sellers requested the exact date we had been planning to move. Not only did we buy a house in one weekend, we did so at 3am after seeing it once!

That’s our story and we’re sticking to it!  There’s no way we could begin to think we did this.  There is one explanation alone - God is BIG.

What Depression Taught Me I'm NOT: Part 2

Part 2

It’s so crazy that the things you struggle most to admit are way more obvious to people than you thought. The things you think might overpower you in the dark are much less scary in the light. The things you deal with, thinking no one else feels that way or could ever understand are much more common than you ever knew.

After I wrote initially about having post-partum depression, this amazing thing happened.  I honestly thought my mom and Hope were the only ones who read my blog.  (Hope somehow reads every blog ever written.  I don’t know how she does it.  I think she somehow has more hours in a day than the rest of us.)  But after pouring out my heart, girls started pouring theirs out to me.  I got to go to talk to girls who feel just like I did.  Some weren’t related to pregnancy or kids, but all were women struggling with that same dark cloud of lethargy and sadness. I am so grateful for those conversations.

Then, about a month ago, I had that moment.  I woke up one day and thought, “I’m good.  I feel more like myself.” This obviously meant I didn’t need medication anymore and I considered flushing the pills. But then I remembered. A friend who walked this crazy road before me said this day would come when I thought I was fine.  And just as she predicted, the realization came shortly thereafter that while I may be fine, I’m not great.  I never stopped taking the medicine, but a new wave of this crazy condition reared its ugly head. 

I struggle with the overwhelming urge to walk away.  It started out funny – I just want to eat my food while it’s still warm; I just want to put on an outfit and know it won’t be covered in M&M slobber by the end of the day.  But then the funny feelings turned funky.  I don’t want to be selfless and have to feed someone else before I can eat.  I don’t want to be tethered to someone and have a passenger in the car at all times.  I don’t want my daily reading to be Green Eggs and Ham.  So I thought, “what if I quit?”  I don’t want to hurt anyone (myself included).  I just want to press pause and walk away.  I want to do what I want to do, what fulfills me, what gives me energy.  (Me, Me, Me)  I then struggled with the feelings that always come next – I’m a bad mom, I’m so selfish, I’m a bad person, I’m crazy.

But I'm not crazy. I'm not the only one who's ridden this ride and lived to tell about it. Depression taught me that I'm not alone. And neither are you.  This is part of it.  It’s part of God making me who He wants me to be.  It’s part of me going through instead of around.  I still take that white pill every day, even on the days (like today) when I am bursting with energy and think I don’t need it.  I do that because it’s the tangible action God gave me to do.  Only He can change the inside, but we are all still responsible to put in work.

Depression taught me that I’m not alone, but to know that, I have to be honest. Maybe you haven’t been prescribed a pill.  Maybe you need to go see the doctor for the first time.  Maybe you need to go to a counselor and actually tell the truth rather than faking it for one more person.  Maybe you need to get over your pride and share your story with the girl sitting next to you so she can know she’s not crazy. So she can know she's not alone.

The Power of a Good Dad

Our dear friend, Chris, lost his dad this week.  Mr. McGregor fought leukemia for 8 years and although this week the life in his physical body ended, his life in God's presence has only begun.  While I'm sad for my friends, I can't stop smiling.  I don't know if I've ever had that reaction when I heard someone died.  But you didn't know this man.  He was one of those people that never had to say anything and you felt his presence in a room.  He was the man that didn't talk loudly or often, but when he opened his mouth to speak, you grabbed a pen so you could take notes.  He is securely where he always wanted to be - right next to His Father.  Chris wrote this about his dad...


He was tight with money but was careless and extravangant when it came to my mom.
He was big, strong and tough but tender to babies and those who were lonely or needed help.
He was quiet and content in the shadows but loud and laser-pointed when one of us was out of line.
He was a dedicated and hard worker but never lost the opportunity to cheer his 4 boys at the rink, the race or the pool.
He was busy and maxed out but not too busy to teach Sunday school or assume leadership at church.
His own family was wheels-off and dysfunctional but our family is strong, stable and unified.
I love you, Dad! See you soon...


Chris is an amazing man because he had an amazing dad.  As I read his words, I found myself thinking about Brynna's dad.  David is a strong leader, successful businessman and wonderful husband.  But I've never seen him flourish in a role like being a father.  He takes that job more seriously than any other and wears his title of "Daddy" with pride.  Brynna is 19 months old, but she could write an epithet about her dad similar to Chris's.  And similar to Chris, I hope BG has many years ahead of watching, learning from and looking up to her dad.  I know she'll be an amazing woman because she has an amazing dad.

If it wasn't for Texas...

There's a country song that lists all the things Texas is famous for - the Alamo, Austin City Limits, the yellow rose and lonesome dove.  The song ends with these words...

It made me the man I am:
Thank God for my old stompin' ground.
I wouldn't be standin' right here, right now,
If it wasn't for Texas.

I moved to Texas in 2003 after getting married in college and living for 3 months in a Notre Dame dorm room.    It wasn't the best time of my life.  Actually, it was one of the worst.  I hated Texas, Dallas and everything with a star on it.  Dallas moved faster than I wanted, spent more money than I had and left me feeling homesick like I'd never been before.  But that was only the beginning.  About 6 months after moving here, my life came to one of those forks in the road.  I found myself at a decision point.  I could go one direction and face pain like I'd never known, chase down hurts I had worked years to hide, let God shine light where it was dark.  Or I could go the other way.  Although I had honed the skill for years, I found myself unable to appear perfectly put together.  Suddenly I was staring back at myself through the eyes of my husband and what I saw wasn't pretty.


The farther from that time I get, the more I wonder if I chose the road less traveled or if God just picked me up and put me there.  I chose; I know God never forces us.  But it was one of those steps of faith that you take not because you are of sound mind to make a good choice but because you can't physically take another step in the other direction.  David and I spent more than a year in therapy.  He held my hand, we cried together and as healing started replacing hurt, it got more enjoyable to shine light in that darkness.  Eventually, the sessions got farther apart and like a rainy day when the sun comes out, things started warming up.  Now and then, one of us still visits Dr. Jim for a tweak, but we have come to the other side.  And what we have on this side wouldn't have been possible if I had never left Oklahoma.  The growth couldn't have happened if I'd stayed forever in my comfort zone.  Had I been unwilling to go through the hurt, God couldn't have used me to touch lives by sharing my story and holding someone's hand at their fork in the road.


There was a time that I resented living in Dallas.  I tried all I could to resist, lest I embrace this place that wasn't my "mine.".  But now,  just as I take pride in the fact that I am a Texan, God is calling me away again.  They put the For Sale sign in the yard today.  David, Brynna, Miles and I are moving to Washington DC.  God has blessed our obedience with amazing abundance.  David has been offered a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity, and we are heading East to follow as God clears the path.  When the offer was first discussed, David and I had a long conversation about what it would mean to move, uproot Brynna, leave the place we've become a family, etc.  But above all the fears and questions, we both came back to one thought again and again - 

I would rather stand before my Father even if I try and fail, knowing I went obediently where He sent me than hear Him say that He had so much more for me if only I'd been willing to follow.


I didn't have that perspective 8 years ago.  and I didn't know God like I know Him now.  I couldn't trust Him with everything because I wasn't willing to give it all to Him.  Today, as I sit here with butterflies in my stomach, reviewing MLS listings, the nerves don't have control.  God does.  And in large part, that's because...

It made me the (wo)man I am:
Thank God for my old stompin' ground.
I wouldn't be standin' right here, right now,
If it wasn't for Texas.