It's never really been a question for me. Writing isn't something I do; it's just part of who I am. You ask a question, and I answer. You need encouragement, so I give it. But I learned a long time ago that my mouth tends to get me in trouble; I speak better with my fingers. (You can backspace, delete, edit and no one ever has to know.)
This blog started something new, though. I wanted a place to write and thought the accountability of "people" reading it would keep me more consistent. So I told funny stories, taught a few lessons along the way and more than once vented my motherhood frustrations. The more consistent I was to write, the more people read and gave me feedback. Suddenly it wasn't just my mom telling me the card she received for Mother's Day was well written. It was more than my mentor telling me that I can say things in a way that makes sense to people. It was actual people. (Not that my mom and Cheri aren't real, but they have to love me. It's in the mom contract.) Real people with real problems said they could relate. Real moms with real pain said it helped to hear me talk about my post-partum depression. Real people laughed, real people cried and real people prayed with me.
Then it happened.
Someone suggested I should write professionally. I was asked to write devotions for church groups. I was asked to write a book to new moms. I was asked on multiple occasions to write children's books. (Not sure what that says about me...?) I was slow to warm up to the idea but once I did, I loved it. I could write in the afternoons by the pool while Brynna swam. I could write during "off times" and never have to miss a gymnastics class or dance recital. I had it all planned out - complete with visions of Jodi Picoult and I hanging out before book signings. (What? I'm just being real. I can admit when I go a little crazy.)
The problem with my overzealous plan is that I never bothered to stop and ask God what (and when) He wants me to write. It feels narcissistic but I can acknowledge that God gave me a gift to write. It would make sense that He had a purpose for it. So once I came to the realization, I promptly stopped and demanded He give me an answer. I do, after all, have a book tour to plan. I'm sort of in a time crunch here. So I asked and waited. And waited. I surmised that I was just so busy with our recent move, stuff with Brynna and life in general that I just needed time to draw away.
This weekend was to be my writing debut. I have the outline of what I think would be a great book (in my humble opinion, of course), and I planned to work on at least the first half (because that's realistic). I stopped to eat lunch, grabbed the essentials - Sour Patch kids, kettlecorn and Dr. Pepper and checked myself into a hotel. I prayed, laid out all my supplies and cracked my knuckles... Then I adjusted my chair and arranged the desk... Then I unpacked my bag...
Nothing.
No words. No inspired creativity. Nada. I stared at a blank computer screen and a notebook full of ideas. Around 11pm, I called David to say I might as well scrap the whole thing and go see a movie. And do you know what he had the nerve to say to me? "That's a great idea!" He said the goal was not to write a novel in a day, but to have a clearer understanding of how God wants me to use my gift. Just before he said goodnight, he said "Your timing may not be God's. His is always better." Huh. Shows what he knows. Clearly my time is the same as God's. Maybe I didn't outline the book tour well enough for David. I made a note to do that when I returned home.
As I sat in this quiet room for the rest of the night and this morning with nothing to distract me, God revealed something to me: writing, for me, is an overflow. It's not something I can manufacture. It's a response. When a friend asks a question about baptism, I write so it's said in a way she can understand. When a mom feels overwhelmed, I write because I want her to know she's not alone. When Brynna yells "Lookin' Good!" at strangers in Target, I write to laugh and so you can laugh, too.
I did write part of that book last night but I'm guessing when I go back and read, it won't be half as good as my sharing this part of my heart. So, I made a very difficult decision. I cancelled the book tour. I'm not scrapping the whole thing because I know God has a plan, and as He wants it out of me, I will write because that's how I respond. For now, I'm going to take advantage of a weekend to myself and take a nap then go see that movie. Heck, maybe I'll get crazy and see TWO!
