Confessions

There are Sour Patch Kids in my purse as we speak.
Ok, fine. There's an empty bag that used to contain Sour Patch Kids in my purse as we speak.

I get that in theory it's not that hard, but I can't sew on a button or fix a hem.

Brynna made up her own language, and I don't think it's cute. It drives me nuts.

I organize the sippy cup cabinet regularly and fantasize about the day I don't have a whole cabinet of sippy cups.

When Brynna bounded in at 7am on Saturday and demanded chocolate milk, I considered pushing her off the bed.

I curse him in my head a little when David gets to pee (or shower or do anything else in the bathroom) alone.

I save my To Do list for days when Brynna is home so that on school days I can do absolutely nothing.

When David travels, Brynna and I eat Mac & Cheese the whole time.

2 Thoughts That Changed My Life: Part 2

If you missed Part 1, the first thought that changed my life was that marriage is more about making me holy than making me happy.

I went through the first 10(ish) years of marriage learning what that really means. It's a tough concept to grasp, but, if I can be totally transparent and honest, one thing made it easier. That's still kind of about me. I know! The whole point is that it's not about me. But if you think about it...if it's about making ME holy instead of happy...that's still kind of about ME.

That's when the second thought changed my life. This one wasn't read in a book. (Not one that's published yet, anyway.) This one I didn't hear or glean from someone else's experiences and wisdom. This one was just for me. God spoke to my heart directly and said marriage is a group project.

Remember when you were in school and you were assigned a group project? Sometimes you could pick your group members and pair up with those you knew would work hard. Other times you were randomly assigned groups and got stuck with partner(s) who didn't carry their own weight. Regardless of the situation, the group would rise or fall together.

Marriage is a group project.

Thankfully, you get to pick your partner. You set about finding someone you think you'll work well with, but you can't predict every situation, can you? You saw that he makes strong, stable choices but only over time did you realize those choices take a loooooong time. His thought process takes about 3 weeks longer than yours, which means you spend a lot of time waiting. You thought you married a changed man only to lean that those bad habits were just tucked away in a closet. And when they reappear, you both get to face them. You chose the guy successful with money; you didn't know that was a facade and now you're both in debt.

The moment you said “ I do” God saw you as one. One output. One future. ONE. The problem was that for years I saw us as "Two as One." I conceded the point that it's not all about me. I accepted that there are times David will lead and I need to follow. I even acknowledged that sometimes (albeit rarely) I may not have the answer. But I still viewed myself separately. God was working on making me holy and at the same time making David holy. And that's where I was so wrong.

Marriage is a group project. 

That means that when God views us, he doesn't see that David works in an office and Regina stays home with Brynna. He doesn't see that I pay the bills and David takes out the trash. From my point of view, I saw it this way:
David - works to provide X income, makes long-term financial decisions, gave a homeless man $20 on his way back from lunch
Regina - manages life outside of work (i.e.: bills, errands, etc), cares for child, supplements with Y income, spent the afternoon with a girl desperately in need of a friend
But God sees us this way:
THEY - make XY income and tithe (give) part of that amount, manage THEIR home, pay THEIR bills, invest in THEIR future, care for THEIR child. THEY gave to a homeless man and THEY loved on a girl needing a friend.

Do you see the difference? God doesn't care who takes out the trash. He sees that it's taken out. He cares less about who earns what portion of income. He wants to see that we give a portion of it back to Him. Marriage is a group project and what matters is the final output.

Just like in school, this means that sometimes I have to pick up the slack that David leaves. Sometimes I bear the consequences of his choices. It means that sometimes he has to work harder than I do. It means that sometimes he gets to share the benefits of my effort and other times I get to reap the reward of his labor.

There's no scorecard. There's no record kept of how many diapers changed or dollars earned or hours worked. I can't describe the freedom of truly, really, down in the deepest parts of me understanding that I don't have to feel less than because my income is smaller (or nonexistent). But I was shocked to learn that it was freeing for David, too. He said that it lifted a weight from his shoulders to know that he gets to share ownership in the work I do just as I share the benefits of what he does.

Marriage is a group project.

And regardless of how you see you, God sees you as one. One output. One future. ONE.

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Side note: None of this is permission to slack off. He still sees all we do and knows all we think. He is, after all, still God.

And another side note: It goes both ways. He sees all we do collectively. He also sees what we don't do. You will rise or fall together.

So the question is: are you working hard together or is there a slacker bringing down the group's output? Are you the slacker? Will you do the work or blame your partner? 

2 Thoughts That Changed My Life: Part 1

There are two thoughts that have changed my life in regards to marriage. One I read years ago in a book titled "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. What if God designed marriage to make us holy instead of happy? If you can push through the selfishness and pride (even the parts you don't like to admit to) and really let that question get in your gut, it'll change your life, too, because that means that "we don't get along" isn't a reason for divorce. It means that "we fell out of love" is bull. Marriage isn't something you trip and fall into. It's a choice. And...brace yourself...it's not about you. Yes, I said it. Your marriage is not about you.

God said that we are made in his image. He has both female traits and male. God is nurturing, caring and kind. He is also strong and dependable. He's both tender and tough. That means that the best representation of who He is can only come when both of those sides are shown to the world. And how did God plan for that to happen? Yep. Marriage.

See, you thought it was a cultural norm. You thought it was a fairytale idea and a reason to wear a pretty dress. You thought it was a political agenda. Marriage is the most whole representation of who God is. And it's the best way to make you holy because Marriage 101 is learning that you are no longer alone. Your decisions affect another person. His choices bleed into yours. His socks clutter your bathroom and your bras hang on his door handles. And once you get over the shock of someone imposing on your physical space, there's more. His baggage begins to affect your emotions. Your feelings begin to supersede his desires.

And that's becoming more holy. That's when a little bit of the selfishness chips away.

It changed my life because it's true. God didn't design marriage so I could be happy anymore than he designed raising kids to do so. Is happiness often a bi-product? Absolutely, yes. Is it the ultimate reason? Absolutely, no. On the days when I'm not happy do I get to stop being a mom? No. When I'm exhausted and have nothing else to give, do I get to quit? No. When I've tried everything and I still feel like I'm losing do I get to send her back and start over? No, no, no.

And hard as it is to hear, the same is true for marriage.

Let that marinate for a minute, and I'll tell you the second thing that changed my life tomorrow...

18 Questions I want to ask Brynna

1. Why?
2. Are you serious?
3. Really?
4. Where did you get the idea to "decorate" the house by tying all the doors closed with ribbons, cords and scarves?
5. Seriously...why?
6. Where is my other nude pump?
7. Where is my black scarf?
8. Who are Zasey and Cayzon?
9. Why are Zasey and Cayzon always in trouble?
10. Why does it require screaming when Zasey misbehaves?
11. Is Zasey hard-of-hearing?
12. Are YOU hard-of-hearing? (that would actually explain a lot)
13. Where did you learn to be so bossy? (Scratch that. Don't answer that one.)
14. Why were/are you so opposed to being a little kid?
15. Where are you in a hurry to get?
16. A dress every day?
17. Is it necessary to change clothes 3 times a day?
18. Do you have a speed other than fast? (Don't answer these either. Maybe this wasn't a good idea...

Mamatone

When he comes home from work, you choose.
When she wakes up in the morning, you choose.
When he breaks something that can't be fixed, you choose.
When she gets on your last nerve, you choose.
When he disappoints you, you choose.
When you aren't sure of the answers, you choose.
When she disobeys...again, you choose.
When you're hurt, you choose.
When you need a break, you choose.

You. You choose.

Whether you are a wife, mom, sister, friend or daughter, you set the tone. You choose whether your home will be a place of peace or strife. You choose whether there will be sorrow or rejoicing. You choose. That doesn't mean you always get to pick the circumstance. It means you get to choose how you react. And how you react, they will follow. Your husband. your kids, your family and friends. You set the tone and they will walk to your beat.

So the question is: what tone are you setting, mama? Does your family feel more faithful, patient and understanding because they are following your lead? Or are they anxious, timid and living in discord? If the pulse of your home is not what it should be, you choose.

geeently

BG: Mama, I have a good opportunity for you.
Me: Really? An opportunity to do what?
BG: To wrap up my baby. But there's something you need to know...
Me: This is going to be good. Let me get my camera.

So many things...
1. Why can't 3 year olds stand still? Does the moving help with blood flow? Is she trying to get in an exercise while also speaking?
2. Is the nightgown cutting off said blood flow? Is she choking? She's pulling on that neckline like it's the answer to why her feet won't stop moving.
3. "real geeently" - She's lived on the east coast most of her life but apparently her country roots are alive and well.
4. Note for future board meetings: If you don't know what to say, spin back and forth. Even if you have nothing to say, people will be distracted by your cuteness.
5. Why does the gentleness of how she's wrapped determine when/if Baby has to go to bed? Or is it that I will have to go to bed if I don't do it right? In that case, I'll gladly take my punishment. No, really. I understand. I didn't do it real geeently. I'll be in bed.
6. "Can I see it?" Immediately needs to check herself out. So humble.

Deep Thoughts at 2am

How can college-educated men excel professionally yet struggle to remember to put a bag in the trashcan?

Regardless of his trash bag installing abilities, I'm so proud he's mine. Even when I want to shake him. I'm grateful I get to do the shaking and not someone else.

I wonder how many times a week day he wants to shake me? (I'm sure rarely, if ever...)

Speaking of wanting to shake someone...
God patiently waited before I believed. God patiently waited until I was ready to be honest. God patiently waited for me to be obedient. God patiently waits. Yet the minute I don't have answers I don't want to wait. And I certainly don't want to be patient.
...I wonder how many times a day hour He wants to shake me?

Shaking aside. On a serious note. I'd like to make a worldwide amendment. All signs, references and descriptors labeled "kid-friendly" should be removed. Let's just call a spade a spade and put "adult-unfriendly" on the signage.

Who first had the brilliant idea to put a play area at the mall? That person should be shot.

I love boots but my feet miss heels. Especially peep-toe ones.

I need a pedicure.

I need sleep. I've got to get up tomorrow in a few hours and put a bag in the trashcan and then wait patiently while my child plays with her buddy at Chick-Fil-A (where the play area is at least enclosed).

Soundproof glass - now THAT'S adult-friendly!