May 9, 2014

The Heart of a Mom: Part 3

You know that feeling when you hope desperately for something, only to get it and realize it's way harder than you thought it would be? You feel like you can't tell anyone how difficult it is because it may seem you're ungrateful for what you know is a blessing. I call that the toddler years. I call that the teenage years. I call that motherhood.

Birthing a kid is fairly easy. Painful, yes, but relatively short-lived. Being a mom - a REAL MOM - is  hard. It will take you to the point where you think you have nothing else to give and ask a little more. It will push you to the edge of what you think you can handle. Motherhood will make you hurt, cry, give and love more than you ever knew possible.

The heart of a mom is unending. It's the closest thing to understanding infinity because no matter what they need, you will provide. You will look at a well that feels empty and draw water when they are thirsty. The heart of a mom is tough. You will endure pain if it helps them. You will go without if they have a need. The heart of a mom is deep. The heart of a mom is wide.

If you are a mom, a REAL MOM, I pray this Mother's Day is one to reflect on why you do what you do. Whether they burn the breakfast or don't make one, you get to shape the people they will be. Whether you are spoiled or on your own, whether you think you're failing and succeeding...you are more than enough. I pray Mother's Day will be a day for you to know that no matter what your situation looks like, you are loved. You are doing a job more important than any other. You are being the hands and feet of the God who created those lives you shape each day.

I pray you enjoy Mother's Day even if they say or do all the wrong things (or don't say anything at all). Because the heart of a mom is close to the heart of God.

Happy Mother's Day, my friends. I love you more than you know. I'm proud of the women you are. I'm blessed by the love you pour out.

I'm grateful we each have the heart of a mom.

May 8, 2014

The Heart of a Mom: Part 2

Every woman has the heart of mom within her. We were designed to nurture life. The way we walk that out, though, looks different for each of us. Some women choose not to have kids; some nurture life in a doctor's office or classroom. Some women nurture the lives of natural children they birthed and others nurture adopted children who were birthed in their hearts.

While Mother's Day is for all of us, it's especially hard for some of us. For some women, each May reminds them of the child(ten) they lost. For some it's a painful memory of a decision to end a life. For so many among us, Mother's Day with empty arms reminds them of the depth of their hurt. For these women, Mother's Day is a balancing act. They want to rejoice with friends and family; they want to celebrate the women nurturing life around them. But you can be happy and sad at the same time. You can rejoice for her while your heart is breaking. For so many women I know, this holiday is one of their hardest days a year.

The last thing a woman wants when she's hurting is to be alone. But so often, the loss of a child - whether by miscarriage, still birth or abortion, whether intentionally or by accident - makes you feel just that. It's like an invisible line is drawn in the sand and you're on one side or the other. You've been there or you haven't. You know that pain or you can't imagine it.

But every woman has the heart of a mom. We were designed to nurture life - especially in one another. We were created to bear each other's burdens and carry each other's loads. We are never stronger than when we walk hand-in-hand, when we pick each other up when we fall and carry each other when one is too weak. To do that, we have to be real - we have to honestly share with one another and be wiling to walk through even the stuff that hurts.

If you, like me, are on the side of that invisible line that hasn't experienced the loss of a child personally, let me say on behalf of all of us....we say dumb stuff. We don't meant it, but in our self-absorbed happy perspective, we don't stop to think about what this day means to some. We ask questions that feel like salt on an open wound. We make comments that pierce like a knife. My hope is that this Mother's Day can be different.

Here are a few suggestions. These are not meant to be exhaustive or concrete but rather a starting point - a way to think a little differently and make her day a little brighter.

1. Don't ask "When are you going to hurry up and have kids?" It's really not a good idea on any day, but especially around this day. If she has no kids, there's a reason and you don't need to know it. More importantly, she doesn't need to say it. Imagine the pain of being asked that question when all you want is a baby of your own. Imagine the answers she wants to give you when you imply that it's her choice.


2. Similarly, don't ask "Why don't you have kids yet?" if you aren't prepared for the answer. You've backed her into a corner. Either she can smile and lie or say in the middle of brunch that her uterus isn't capable of carrying a baby to term or she does have children but they live in Heaven. Just don't make her. Just talk about the other ways you see her nurturing life around her. Compliment her giving spirit, her tender heart and her willing hands.

3. Don't say "You know what makes babies, right?" (or any derivative of a similar joke) Anyone over the age of sex ed knows what makes babies. And I assure you, she isn't doing it wrong. While it may be meant in jest, it hurts. The stress a marriage endures through infertility and/or the loss of a child is indescribable. The last thing she needs is to defend publicly the relationship she's trying desperately to hold together through sadness, pain and anger.

4. If you know she's experienced a loss, don't ignore her. Don't assume she doesn't want to be invited or wouldn't have something to add to the conversation. Don't think your joy makes her sad. Her loss makes her sad. Your joy might just pull her through. So don't enforce the invisible line. Cross it. Love her. Hold her hand. Walk beside her regardless of what it looks like.

My prayer is that we learn to see the world through each other's eyes. My hope is that we get stronger as we walk together - that we lift each other up, wipe each other's tears and hold each other's hands. Because every woman has the heart of a mom.

May 5, 2014

The Heart of a Mom: Part 1

They made an announcement at church yesterday about Mother's Day next weekend. As he reminded everyone to do something special for moms, Andrew jokingly asked if you have to be a mom to "qualify." Everyone laughed and it was kind of left hanging until I stood up to teach, at which point I assured everyone in the room that you don't have to be a mom. I urged them that when in doubt, you buy flowers. That's really just a good male-life-preserving rule to live by. It really doesn't matter who's right or wrong, what you do or don't know. When in doubt, buy flowers. Of course if you know her wants/tastes better, go with that. My point is: gifts make girls happy. Period. Not because we are greedy, but because we were designed to desire being cherished. So cherish her. You can get an "I'm not even a mom!" kiss or the alternative. The choice is yours. I'm just saying...

While all of the above is true, there's another reason I made a point to answer the rhetorical question "do you have to be a mom to qualify". This question bothers me. I wasn't offended. I'm not being a crazy fanatic. This just happens to be one of those things I can't joke about. It's too personal. I'm too passionate. Do you have those things? Things you feel so strongly about that even though you know no one meant any harm, you just can't take it lightly?

This is it for me.

If you are a woman, you were designed with an innate ability to nurture. Even if you think that doesn't apply to you or that's not how you want to see yourself - you were created to nurture life in those around you. They may be your own kids or someone else's. They may be in your classroom or down the street. You may nurture by spending time or speaking encouragement or standing firm when all they're used to is shaky ground.

That's the definition of a mom. Moms do the work. They give hugs, hold hands and speak Truth. They discipline when necessary and wipe tears afterwards. They feed and teach and love.

Whether the children she nurtures live in her house or not, each woman has the heart of a mom within her. Our culture doesn't always think that way. We reward those who "overcome stereotypes." We applaud those who live counter to the "traditional roles of women." Now you all know I'm the first to say girls are strong and powerful and can do anything they put their minds to. This is not an anti-feminist rant. This is me, reminding you, that in your heart, whether anyone sees or knows...you are a mom. You were created to nurture life.

That woman you sit near at work - she's a mom. It may not be by choice that she's never had kids. It may be that her kids live in Heaven. It may be that she's chosen not to have children of her own. Either way, get her flowers. You don't have to know the answers to those questions. She's already qualified.

Her heart is the heart of a mom.

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